Saturday, August 14, 2010

Getting Personal

One of my hobbies is reading personal ads. It's funny to see what people think of as attractive qualities, and to read between the lines and figure out what they are really saying. I've pulled a few from the Providence Phoenix for your reading pleasure. You've never done this before? Fear not, gentle reader. I am fluent in personal ad lingo.

Let's take the first one line by line, shall we?

"Communicative, extroverted, affectionate, also urban, artsy and very funny" Never shuts up and thinks he's hilarious. If you don't laugh at each and every one of his jokes, he will tell you that you're not sophisticated and urbane enough to understand him. Probably uses the word ironic a lot - and incorrectly.

"Considered very good looking" by his mother, with whom he still lives.

"Looks 47" Vain. (I didn't really have to explain that, did I?)

"Seeking SWF, 40-55" Thinks he's too great a catch to date anyone who is divorced. Is delusional. Also, not the brightest light - most people dating in that age range are divorced.

"To be my future best friend" To be the luckiest woman in the world.

"She is kindest to herself and kind to others" He's just a little bit patronizing. (Okay, probably more than a little.)

Lest you think I only pick on the boys, read on:

Heavily tattooed cougar who never got over the teenage need to impress you because she's "different" is looking for someone to take care of her. She's been too busy going to comic conventions all these years to learn to cook for herself. Note: be sure to ask for more data on snakes. Does she work in the reptile house at Roger Williams Park Zoo, or are the snakes living in her home?

Judgmental bitch.


Jason said...

Only the truly talented never run out of content. Nice job! These are hilarious. Wouldn't it be funny if you matched up Personal Ads, as a couple, and wrote a commentary? Thanks for the laughs Maria! Keep it up.

Maria said...

It would be like cut-rate! I like that idea!