Auntie's Tips: Post-Thanksgiving Dieting

This is a bad idea.

Auntie's Tips: A New Wardrobe In 4 Easy Steps

Forget shopping! Follow my directions and you will be enjoying a new wardrobe without spending a dime.


1. Make friends with someone much tinier than you are, who believes -- despite the fact that she is an adult -- that she is going to grow any day now and should shop accordingly.


2. Wait around while this friend stocks up on things that will never fit her. During this time, it's a good idea to ascertain that this friend has excellent taste. (If not, go back to step 1.)


3. When it finally dawns on your friend that she is not going to grow, and that she is running out of space in her closet, go to her house and select things that don't fit her (but that fit you) and take them off her hands.


4. Enjoy your new wardrobe!

Auntie Maria's Top 5 Tried-And-True Decorating Tips

I'm sure many of you have been asking yourselves "How can I get that quirky old maid style in my own home?" Fret no more, gentle readers. Auntie Maria is here to help.


1. Forget about trends. They come and go, and then where are you? You're in a dated living space, that's where. If you absolutely must have something trendy because you love it, indulge in moderation. Try places like Target for trendy on the cheap. Remember: retro is cool, vintage is fabulous, but dated is tragic.


2. Buy things you love and they will go together. You may not realize it, but your likes and dislikes are probably fairly consistent - you prefer light or dark woods, solid colors or patterns, florals or stripes, modern or traditional furnishings. If you love it, you will find a place for it even if it's a little outside your usual zone.


3. Try moving things around before you buy anything new. Redecorate with what you already have and you'll get a fresh look without spending a dime. Move things around and from room to room. If space permits, store small decorative items and rotate them as the seasons or your moods change.


4. Your home should make you and your family happy. Whether you prefer the clean lines and clear spaces of a Zen monastery or the busy bric-a-brac of a Victorian parlor, if you walk through the door and you're happy to be home, you're doing it right. You don't want to decorate to impress people who don't even live there, do you? Well, do you? I didn't think so.


5. Hello Kitty goes with everything.

Boo!

In the spirit of the scary movies that tend to come out around Halloween, each year the Army Dude likes to go over safety tips he's gleaned from watching them:

1. If a psychotic, machete-wielding killer is chasing you, don't run because you will fall down. Then you will be killed.

2. The psychotic, machete-wielding killer will be at the barn (or whatever safe place you choose) before you, and he will not break a sweat. Then you will be killed.

3. If you're a teenager, do not sneak off to have sex. You will be killed.

4. If it's late at night and there is a strange noise in the basement, don't be the person who volunteers to check it out. You will be killed.

I mention this because at midnight on Halloween night, I was awakened by a strange, high-pitched noise. It was the kind of noise that might be made by a malfunctioning refrigerator, a washing machine that has a broken belt, or an alien spaceship landing on the roof. The sound got annoying after a minute or so, and I got up to investigate.

I was halfway down the stairs when I thought of Rule 4. It gave me pause. I reasoned that I was only going to the first floor of the house and not into the basement. This knowledge did not make me feel a whole lot better, but I soldiered on.

I checked my refrigerator (it was fine), I checked my crockpot (breakfast was cooking nicely), and I walked through the rest of the downstairs. I saw nothing unusual. I didn't go outside and check for aliens on the roof. I have a live-and-let-live policy with beings outside my home, including mice, skunks, bugs, and aliens. As long as they're doing what they're doing outside my personal space, I have no beef with them.

The absurdity of the whole situation struck me as I went back upstairs, and I started laughing. After all, if Jason or whatever his name is had come across a cranky, middle-aged woman in no makeup with crazy hair and wearing flannel pajamas with counting sheep printed on them, he'd probably be too stunned to kill me.

You'd think the Army Dude would have realized that.