Migraine Pain

I've had a headache on and off for a week now. Mostly on. So obviously, I've been doing what any intelligent person would do: laying on the couch and watching silly movies like Revenge of the Bridesmaids.

I'm in pain. Don't judge me.

Genius

The other day, the Army Dude and I were discussing the need for a new "book" to compliment the Book of Wrong. It became clear that the Army Dude has been downloading a lot of 18th century literature on his nook, because his suggestion for a title was incredibly long. If you think that the idea of using the Title: A Wordy Explanation of What You Can Expect In A Book With This Title format was invented in the 1990s, you are misinformed. Ben Fanklin and his buddies were busy writing books and pamphlets back in the 1770s whose titles followed the same format. Maybe they were still excited about the invention of the printing press; I don't know what was going through their minds. Army Dude has been reading Thomas Paine lately. I don't know what's going through his mind, either.

In the spirit of our forefathers and their long-ass titles, I've decided that the new "book" shall be called The Book of YES: Being a Compendium of Things Wonderfully Strange, Laughably Great, Inherently Terrific, and Generally Awesome.

The first entry into this book is the subject of the picture above: David Rees' Artisanal Pencil Sharpening Inc. For $12.50 each, David will hand-sharpen your number two pencils and send them back with a bag of the shavings and a Certificate of Sharpening. Really. Apparently, he's getting orders.

Check out his website. This definitely goes in the Book of YES.

Because Everyone Loves A Rat Update

So there I was, last trash day, wearing my Playtex gloves and staring at the trashcans. I was unable to touch them. I knew I was in danger of becoming The Girl Who Can't Take Out The Trash, and there was only one thing to do. I called my co-worker:

Peter: Hello?
Me: I need you to tell me I'm stupid.

Peter: You're stupid. What in particular are you being stupid about?

Me: I'm scared of the rats and I can't move the trash cans.

Peter: Did you bring a broom with you like I told you?

Me: Yes.

Peter: Did you bang the cans with it?

Me: Yes. Two different times.

Peter: Then they're gone. They're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Me: Um, I really don't think they are.

Peter: They are, and they're gone. Trust me, they're smart.

Me: Last week you said it was a dumb rat.

Peter: He's still smart enough to evacuate if you bang the can. It's going to be fine.

Me: Are you sure?

Peter: Yes, I'm sure! Trust me. Now man up and do it.

So I did. As it turned out, the only wildlife dramas were the ones in my head.

Visiting

You know how the people on The Golden Girls lived right next door to the people on Empty Nest and they would visit back and forth on each other's shows? How Dorothy consulted with Dr. Weston about a health issue and Barbara saved the Girls from a bad guy? Well, it was kind of like that in the blogosphere today (except for the bad guy part) when I met Nicole from Fidget Finds at her trunk show at Tiverton Four Corners.

In person, Nicole is just like she is on her blog - lovely, bubbly, charming, and friendly. It was so nice to meet her and get to chat for a few minutes!

She had lots of great stuff just like she has in her Etsy shop, but I was hoping to find a ring I'd been coveting since she posted it on her blog:

Lo and behold, there it was! I was not going to let this pass me by twice, so it was on my hand and I was giving Nicole my credit card in no time. When I got home, I put it on top of - instead of in - my jewelry box. Looking at it makes me happy.

Whose Idea Was This?

Yeeeaaaah, that goes in the Book of Wrong.

RI DMV

I have discovered the location of Hell. I even spent a little time there last week. Some of it was as I expected; other things about Hell came as a total surprise. To wit:

I expected Hell to have people of all races, nationalities, and levels of devotion to cleanliness, with the same look of suffering on their faces. I was not disappointed. The place was none too clean and full of noise. Being there was very, very, very boring. All as I might have expected.

What suprised me was that the place wasn't smoky at all and in fact was lit by a multitude of fluorescent lights. It wasn't unpleasantly hot, which may indicate that Dante was right and that the final circle of hell is encased in ice. Perhaps I was only a flight or two above that. The workers seemed to actually enjoy what they were doing, and I was seated in what appeared to be an old church pew - neither of which I was expecting, but which made total sense in retrospect.

I think the biggest surprise, however, was the location of Hell. Who knew that it was on Main Street in Pawtucket, RI? Then again, why not in Pawtucket?

Wild Kingdom

My attitude toward wildlife is live-and-let-live, but I prefer it to do its living outside my personal area. I don't think this is a lot to ask, and I find that most wildlife is very willing to abide by this common-sense rule. I avoid the trash area outside my house after dark, knowing that from sundown to sunup, it is the domain of Raccoons of Unusual Size. They relinquish the area to the humans come daybreak. We come up with ways to keep them out of the trash; they occasionally defeat us. I believe this is what's known as The Circle of Life.

This morning, however, as I was moving trash to the curb, a rat leaped out of the barrel at me. Really, right at me. It wasn't attacking me or anything, just trying to get on with its Rat Life and do its Rat Things, when it leaped out of the barrel and was confronted by me. At the same time, I was confronted by it. Neither of us was thrilled.

I did the only intelligent thing, which was to scream and jump back while the rat flew through the air and landed at my feet. Then we did a little dance where I was trying unsuccessfully to keep both feet off the ground at the same time and the rat was trying not to get stepped on. I provided musical accompaniment by shrieking. The rat kept a cooler head than I did, making a quick turn and exiting stage right. I continued to whimper like a schoolgirl. It took me several minutes to work up the courage to finish moving the barrel and then go back to move the other one to the curb.

Later in the day, I asked one of my co-workers where I could get supplies before next week's trash day - specifically, welding gloves, a welder's apron, waders, and a hockey mask. He felt I was over-reacting and suggested I bring a broom outside with me and whack the barrels before I move them so anything inside will run out. It was a good suggestion, granted, but one that leaves me unprotected in the event that one of the little critters runs toward me.

I said, "But it was a super-rat. Highly intelligent and skilled! I could see it in his eyes."

My friend said "No it wasn't. It was probably the dumbest rat in Newport. It just got the jump on you."

What does he know? He wasn't there.

Happy 4th of July!

Don't forget to pick up your party necessities at the grocery store, such as soda, hotdog buns, potato chips, and fireworks.

That's right, Rhode Island has decided that making the sale of fireworks legal in the state is the answer to a struggling economy. My understanding of economics is pretty sketchy, but I don't get why this is a good idea. Just because people like to set things on fire and make them go "bang" doesn't mean they should. Of course, if a lot of people get hurt and emergency rooms have to hire more staff to deal with the influx, we may have a winner.