Fall Fashion Update With Exciting New Game!

Image: Suno.com

I promised to give you the scoop on fall fashion, so here it is. The prevailing theme in all the magazines I looked at the other day can be boiled down to the following sentence: "THE ECONOMY IS TERRIBLE AND NUMBERS ARE DOWN, SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY SOMETHING!"

They didn't put it exactly that way, of course. Instead, the fall fashion issues I looked at all had articles full of urgent fashion superlatives, telling the reader that she simply must have fitted sweaters, big slouchy sweaters, jewel tones, earth tones, black-and-white ensembles, things that look modern, things that look vintage. "The midi length skirt is back!" the fashion editors claim, but they showed every length from gyno-mini to maxi. They just want you to buy something, pretty please.

The picture at the top of this post is an example of the important fashion trend that Style.com calls "Collage Studies." You could buy the outfit above from Suno for thousand of dollars, or you can play an exciting new fashion game! Here's how to play: have a friend blindfold you, and then steer you toward your closet. Grab the first blouse, skirt, tee shirt, tights, and pair of shoes you get your hands on. Put them on. Remove the blindfold and be impressed with the chic ensemble you put together! Borrow an oversized plaid fleece jacket from your father, brother, or significant other, and put it on over the whole thing. Look! You're a fashionista!

Or, for examples of mixing prints from women who have real-world budgets, bodies, and places to go where they don't want to be laughed at, check out this post on Style...The New Black.

Dept. of Home Economics: Trash to "Treasure"

I've been working this week on some things I like to call "swamp yankee crafts," and it has occurred to me that my grandma would be proud since I am taking trash and reusing it. She liked anything that was gussied up for little to no money and was famous at the church Christmas bazaar for her crocheted toilet paper covers.



My first craft is a hillbilly basket. It was designed to go with a John Deere themed room at the Army Dude's house, so that's what dictated the materials and color scheme. I measured the length and width of the areas I wanted to weave fabric through, and cut the denim strips (from an old pair of jeans) about an inch longer. Then I trimmed the ends as necessary once I had them stitched in place.



I glued a piece of cardboard (cut out of a Triscuits box) to the fabric for the bottom to give it some support. I left the cardboard visible because, well, it's a hillbilly basket. If I ever do this again, I think I'll try using strips of thick paper (like magazine covers) and glue. Stitching inside a box was a pain.



My next swamp yankee craft was cat food can tea light holders. I got the idea of recycling cans by wrapping them with something new from Alyssa Watters, who was selling cans covered in prints of her original art at a caft fair earlier this summer (the Army Dude bought several). I don't know how I made the mental leap from that to tealight holders made from cat food cans, but as I'm sure you've realized by now, gentle readers, my mind is a strange and mysterious place.


I stripped the labels off the cans and cleaned them really well. I saved one of the labels as a template because I'm not smart with math and calculating circumferences due to the fact that the math area of my brain has been crowded out by show tune lyrics.

Next, I cut strips from magazine pages with pretty images and glued them onto the cans using a glue stick. Then I applied a thin layer of Mod Podge with a brush to create a lightly textured effect and let it dry.

I worked on these while watching a marathon of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It seemed like the right thing to do.

I'm No Saint (But I Want A Name Like One)

I'm thinking of calling myself Maria the Astonishing. Or maybe Auntie Maria the Astonishing (it's a work in progress). It has a superhero quality that I like, and has the advantage -- like Gorgeous George or Vlad the Impaler -- of letting people know what they're up against. It's helpful, is my point.

I got the idea from the fabulous blog Got Medieval. If you don't read it yet, why not? It's on my blogroll. The author is a doctoral student in medieval studies and he's hilarious (it surprised me too). If you've ever wondered about the difference between a catapult and a trebuchet (and I know you have), you'll find this blog to be an invaluable reference.

Regarding the name Maria the Astonishing, it comes from a medieval Belgian saint named Christina the Astonishing, who apparently came pretty close to being buried when she was only mostly dead. Legend has it that after waking up during her funeral mass, she levitated to the ceiling because she couldn't bear the smell of sinful people. Pretty astonishing, I would say. I realize that people in the medieval era didn't bathe all that much, but you'd think she'd have been used to it, and having been mostly dead for a couple of days she couldn't have smelled too fresh herself.

I just want to steal her name, you understand. After her near death experience, she went on to renounce all comforts and actually seek out ways to suffer. That would not suit me at all.

A Day In The Life

Awesome spider web in Rovensky Park

The Team Maria President thinks I need an AuntieCam because he says I am always up to random and hilarious things that would be fun to watch. Exhibit A, he believes, is the fact that I got up at 4 a.m. and put on a fancy necklace and a tiara to watch the royal wedding. Exhibit B is the fact that I think it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Trust me, gentle readers, you do not want me to set up a webcam. Right now I'm still in yoga clothes and I haven't brushed my hair. However, yesterday -- since I'd already decided that I was going to play hooky from all the things I should be doing -- I thought I'd bring a camera along and document my day.

I took a mid-morning walk to Rovensky Park, where I checked on the tree where I'd hung a bracelet I found in the path one day. Yup, it's still there. Then I sat on the grass under a weeping willow for a while, just thinking my thoughts.

Arriving back at Old Maid HQ, I decided to make some sun tea. This batch has pomegranate and blueberry green teabags, plus one bag of True Blueberry. I'm a rebel like that.

This is what I wore. See? Perfectly normal -- nary a tiara in sight. The dress is from Old Navy. I bought three of them for next to nothing at the beginning of the summer and I've been living in them. Other items:

Flats: Target, last summer
Bracelets: Ed Levin
Rings: Road trip mood ring and silver ring from Pepi
Watch: Raymond Weil, at least 20 years old
Earrings: a gift from a friend.

I know Michael Kors would have something stinging to say about the fact that my earrings match my dress ("Oh my God, she's a middle-aged Barbie!" comes to mind) but too bad. I love turquoise and am fully capable of putting together a head-to-toe turquoise look including shoes and an ankle bracelet. I think I showed remarkable restraint.

By lunchtime I was hungry and dreadfully hot, so I made a smoothie. (Note that I put the top securely in place before starting the blender, Rachel.) This one is banana and strawberry with vanilla yogurt.

I headed out to Barnes & Noble where I browsed through a stack of glossy fashion magazines because I simply had to know what's in for fall. I got the scoop, but more on that in a future post.

I took a quick browse through Michael's and laughed at the moss balls. I'd have taken a second picture of them and sent it to my brother and sister to brighten their workdays because I'm a giver, but my phone was on low battery.

Arriving home in the late afternoon, I caught up on Tom & Lorenzo's take on the first episode of Project Runway Season 9 and added my opinions to the commentary. As one does.

After dinner out at the Blue Plate Diner with a couple of friends (I had the Cobb Salad), it was time to curl up in my Tinkerbell pajamas with a P.G. Wodehouse anthology and call it a day.

Words of Wisdom: Barbara Ellison

What we need is now and then to set our faces obstinately against the duties, real and imaginary, that crowd us and give ourselves over with the glorious abandonment of children to the spirit of the small boy who, with delightful inconsequence, goes off fishing when he ought to be doing something else.

Inspiration, 1926

Dept. Of Home Economics: Vinegar

Sometimes your tummy is unhappy. Maybe you ate too much garlic at an Italian restaurant last night, maybe you just got over a bout with the 'flu, maybe nerves or acid reflux are rearing their ugly heads. Fret no more, gentle readers. Auntie Maria has a remedy for that. It's cheap, it's easy to concoct, and you probably have the ingredients already in your cupboard.

1 Tbsp. apple cider vinegar
1 Tbsp. honey (or more to taste)
1 cup hot water

Stir the apple cider vinegar and honey together in cup or mug. The vinegar will begin to break down the honey and make it dissolve more easily. Add hot water and stir well. Sip when cool enough to drink. Believe it or not, it's delicious. Repeat 3 times a day until symptoms improve.

Now, don't be silly and try this when you've got an active stomach virus, and don't take it instead of going to a doctor if your symptoms get worse. But for relief of short-term stomach pain and nausea, this remedy really works.

According to EarthClinic.com, 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar dissolved in 16 oz. of water and sipped throughout the day can help with allergies, arthritis, gout, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and more. Models drink this concoction to help with weight management. I tend to think models look better than I do because of superior genetics combined with consuming far less cheese and chocolate. But it's worth a try.

White vinegar is great for all kinds of things around the house. You probably already know it's great for cleaning windows. But it can do so much more.

I like to mix white vinegar with a little baking soda to make a paste (it will foam like crazy, so use bigger bowl than you think you need). This mixture is great for scrubbing the sink, removing stubborn stains from countertops (spread it over the stain and let it soak for a few minutes), and any time you want a little muscle but you don't want to use an abrasive cleanser. I've even used it to remove the stains left on a hardwood floor by magazines that got wet.

Vinegar. It's cheap, it's versatile, and it's probably already in your kitchen. Mary Agnes would approve.

Heartache Came to Visit Me, But I Knew It Wasn't Ever After

On Friday, I read online about the bombings and shootings in Norway. At the time, my friend Monica said to me via instant message "Who would bomb Norway? Norwegians don't bother anyone. They are peaceable, fish eating, skiing, sauna takers." Later we learned who would bomb Norway: a pissed off right-wing Norwegian.

Yesterday I went to a gathering for the Friends of Anne Hutchinson which is held every year to celebrate Anne Hutchinson's life and legacy. She was the leader of a group of people who founded Portsmouth, Rhode Island, which was the first town in the New World to allow religious freedom and whose citizens were a "body politic." After being thrown out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony for minor divergences in religious belief, they wrote a compact guaranteeing the separation of church and state.

When I got home, I learned of the existence of a radical right-wing group here in the USA who is advertising -- in militant and quasi-military terms -- a plan to "lay seige" on Washington D.C. to change it from the "District of Columbia" to the "District of Christ." They also plan to hold demonstrations and prayer vigils in Washington D.C., Philadelphia, and in each state as they carry out plans for a "reformation intercession." The movement is growing, and according to what I've seen, it appears they are pushing for a theocratic form of government. Because, as we've seen throughout history and even into the present day, theocracies work out great for everybody.

I've met people like this, and while many of them are relatively harmless, they are also not very bright and easily led. As George Carlin famously said, never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Frankly, these people scare the bejeezus out of me.

And then last night while I was watching TV, I thought I heard gunshots. What I probably heard was a particularly loud type of leftover 4th of July fireworks, but for a moment, I seriously entertained the idea that guns were being fired. In Newport, Rhode Island. I feel like I'm living in a world gone mad.

I won't be made useless,

I won't be idle with despair

There isn't much one maiden aunt can do in times like these. But this afternoon, I can draw a cartoon for my food blog. That seems to make my readers smile. I can sketch out some ideas I have for a birthday gift for my great-niece. I can work on the invitations for my BFF's 90th birthday party in August. I can do whatever small things that are in my power to shine a light. And I will.