Third Floor With Water View

Want

2012-02-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

Books like Pantone: The 20th Century In Color make a vintage lover's heart beat just a little faster. The description from BarnesandNoble.com reads:

Pantone, the worldwide color authority, invites you on a rich visual tour of 100 transformative years. From the Pale Gold (15-0927 TPX) and Almost Mauve (12-2103 TPX) of the 1900 Universal Exposition in Paris to the Rust (18-1248 TPX) and Midnight Navy (19-4110 TPX) of the countdown to the Millennium, the 20th century brimmed with color. Longtime Pantone collaborators and color gurus Leatrice Eiseman and Keith Recker identify more than 200 touchstone works of art, products, decor, and fashion, and carefully match them with 80 different official PANTONE color palettes to reveal the trends, radical shifts, and resurgences of various hues. This vibrant volume takes the social temperature of our recent history with the panache that is uniquely Pantone.

The whole 20th century, by color. Are you feeling a little faint with excitement, Gentle Readers? I am. The question now is, which format do you like? There is something to be said for a nice big book where you can revel in the photos. There is also something to be said for the portability of the Nook version that can be taken on shopping expeditions.

I have Ye Olde Nook that is in black & white only, so it's going to have to be the book version for me. I don't mind, though. I love the smell of ink.

Blogger Mail

2012-01-31T10:18:00.001-05:00

When I came home on Saturday, I had a package waiting for me on the front steps. It was from my fellow blogger Rita over at Nana's Memories. (Do you follow Nana's Memories yet? If not, you should. It's delightful.) Rita generously offered to send me stuff that her husband picks up out of the street, and of course I said yes. A girl can't make jewelry out of only the stuff she picks up out of the street herself, amirite?

Even a quick look showed that there were treasures within. Are you excited yet? I was.

Look at that! Maybe you see a pile of junk. I see possibilities.

I sorted through everything by shape and material. It's not like I know all the names or functions of these things and can sort them that way. I don't see them as pieces of hardware, really. I see them as shapes and textures and in terms of what I can make from them.

It's a pretty impressive haul. A lot of it is immediately useful, some piques my curiosity because I don't know what I can do with it but it looks like it has potential, and some goes into the "I can't do anything with it YET but you never know" can. I have a hunch some of the stuff in that can will come in handy once I learn more about power tools. And possibly, fire.

This, however, is going straight onto my work table. It's a beautifully textured washer that doesn't even need to be sealed. It almost looks and feels like a rock instead of a piece of metal. I have a pretty good idea what it's going to become and it's MINEALLMINEALLMINE.

Thanks, Rita!

Shopkeeping

2012-01-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

Stainless Steel Washer Bracelet $18

I've been busy this week revamping the pictures at my Etsy shop Sow's Ear Jewelry. My photos have improved over time as I've learned more about how my camera works -- the learning curve for which would probably have been shorter if I'd actually read the ~~tome~~ directions that came with the camera. [Insert my mother sighing and wondering where she went wrong here.] I've also learned that for lighting purposes I absolutely have to wait for a sunny day to take photographs.

Hex Nut Hardware Earrings $12

I think the biggest challenge in taking pictures, though, is choosing a background that looks interesting enough without it becoming the focus of the picture. I tend to try to get too artsy about it -- especially a few hours into a photo session -- and end up with backgrounds that are distracting. One way I've learned to handle the problem is to step away for a few minutes. Snack breaks come in handy for this purpose.

Reclaimed Hardware Necklace $18

I like to alternate between light and dark or bright backgrounds so people can visualize the pieces with different colors and textures of clothes. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but it seems like it would be. It also helps to keep me from getting bored.

Chunky Hardware Retro Earrings $13

I'm learning that photographing jewelry to its best advantage is not the same as pairing it with clothing. The earrings above are a good example. I own a pair and have worn them with outfits such as a black turtleneck and jeans, a fun faux-tigerskin jacket with a retro feel, or a crisp white shirt and tailored pants. I can also envision them on a biker chick with a Harley Davidson jacket or on a young girl dressed in 80s vintage. There is, as far as I can see, no way to communicate all that with a picture so it's best to keep things simple.

Industrial Hardware Necklace $14

I'm also experimenting with different views. After all, jewelry is meant to be worn on the body and seen from multiple angles.

Steampunk Earrings -- Reclaimed Hardware $12

You can view all the new photos at Sow's Ear Jewelry. I'd love it if you'd take a moment to check them out and then leave me some feedback here in the comments.

Important Yard News

2012-01-26T07:53:00.001-05:00

Look who showed up on Tuesday and brought five of his best buddies with him! According to my (admittedly unscientific) observations, he's a month ahead of last year.

Dare I hope that we are going to have an actual Spring in Rhode Island -- instead of the usual snow in early March followed by three months of cold and rain?

A girl can dream.

Words of Wisdom: Neal Pollack

2012-01-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

In the voyage of life, we all end up dashed on the rocks.

The Y Factor, YogaJournal.com

Words of Wisdom: Refrigerator Door Edition

2012-01-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

Take note of this, my friends -- especially the last part. REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS DO NOT LIE.

Windburn

2012-01-20T07:00:00.000-05:00

Boyd's Mill Middletown, RI

Things have been quiet around Old Maid HQ, mostly because the old maid in question has had daily headaches for the past week or so. I whined about it on Facebook the other day because seriously, why be on Facebook if I can't whine about life's little problems?

Anyhoodle, my original post read thusly:
Headache AGAIN. How can an empty space hurt so much???

To which I received a few sincere expressions of concern and bits of advice. And then, from the Team Maria President, this:

Easily answered Auntie.... You'll notice that you only get headaches on a windy day. Its because when you turn your ears into the wind, all that empty space between your ears forms a tunnel for which the wind can flow. Based on the Bernoulli principle we know that as wind velocity increases, pressure drops. So in that large empty space of yours a significant low pressure region develops which causes regular atmospheric pressure at 14.7PSI to compress the rest of your head thus creating the sensation of a headache. I know Homer Simpson got around this by renting that space to some hamsters with a fun hamster wheel on a monthly basis. You just need to make those hamsters sign a contract so they don't use their hamster wheel as a wind turbine in there.

When I met this gentleman five or six years ago, he was a mild-mannered smart guy working a smart guy job while wearing a coat and tie. He had this sort of dry sense of humor where I never knew if I was laughing with him or at him, because I couldn't tell if he was purposely or accidentally funny.

And now, after years of exposure to me, he has become a smartass. Take note, Gentle Readers. This could happen to you.

New Necklaces at Sow's Ear Jewelry!

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000-05:00

Romantic Ribbon and Hardware Choker $18

I've been thinking about contrasts: hard and soft, matte and shiny, industrial and romantic, new and distressed. I played with those contrasts and came up with some new necklaces for my Etsy Shop. I'm excited about how they came out. Incidentally, the choker above is on a 20-inch satin ribbon, so it can be tied as a choker with a big, pretty bow in the back, or it can be tied at various longer lengths.

Modern Art Rcycled Hardware Necklace $18

This piece of hinge was on the sidewalk on Newport's famous Bellevue Avenue, so you will be glad to know it's a better class of found object. The patina is really gorgeous and I'm delighted with how the finished piece came out. Would it be wrong for me to wear it until somebody buys it? (Yes, I know it would be wrong. The necklace is safely stored in a tiny plastic bag waiting to go to its new owner.)

Industrial Hardware Necklace $14

I like how this necklace has a tailored-yet-casual look. I can envision it with a pair of jeans and a sweater or a crisp white blouse and gray wool pants. The black patina on the two medium-sized hex nuts is some kind of finish they used to put on the hardware of ye olde stereo equipment. So those parts are vintage and reclaimed. It doesn't get much cooler than that.

Reclaimed Hardware Necklace $18

I love the sculptural effect of his piece, and the contrast between the hardware and the ribbon. It's a little heavier than some of the others, but it's still very comfortable to wear.

One thing I've noticed is how surprised people are when they pick up a piece of jewelry made from hardware. In general, my jewelry may look chunky but it's very lightweight. Just so you know.

What I'm Reading: Harpo Speaks!

2012-01-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

"It's my favorite book" my friend said. "Just read it. Trust me, you'll love it." As she handed her copy to me, an index card that said "My favorite book" fell out of it. So I borrowed Harpo Speaks!, and now it's one of my favorite books, too.

I've tried to explain in detail to people exactly why it's such a wonderful book, and I've failed every time. So I will simply say that every page of Harpo Speaks! is laugh-out-loud funny, and that Harpo Marx was that rare individual who had the wisdom to appreciate and enjoy things as they were happening to him, not just in rose-colored retrospect. Somehow, even an impoverished childhood in Brooklyn in the early 1900s seems like an amazing adventure when Harpo tells it. And I suppose to him it was.

Plus, as a bonus, I got to walk around for a few days saying "Exapno Mapcase" at frequent intervals. I think it got on my cat's nerves a little.

Poster for Harpo's 1933 tour of the USSR. Harpo decided that his name in cyrillic looked like "Exapno Mapcase."

Just read the book. Trust me, you'll love it.

Grin and Bear It

2012-01-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

It's that timeof year again. January: the month when I start telling everyone that something is dreadfully wrong with me and that I've never, ever, ever been so tired or slept so much, and that I clearly have that sleeping sickness that was an epidemic in the 1920s. This happens every year, and every year I am convinced that this time it's something serious. But it never is. I'm just hibernating.

Somebody call me if the Zombie Apocalypse or a bunch of Alien Space Bats or the Flaming Ball of Doom 2012 shows up before February. I'll probably sleep right through it.

Very Bad Idea

2012-01-05T11:00:00.000-05:00

Don't idiots have enough power in this country already?

Pet Peeves: English Language Edition

2012-01-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

Occasionally, even the most relentlessly goofy old maid will feel a few too many little annoyances and end up crabby as hell. So here, as a sort of pressure valve, I shall share, in no particular order, things -- usually written, but sometimes spoken -- that bug me.

Disregarding punctuation is not freeing us from tyrannical constraints. It is making it very difficult to understand the most simple written communications. I'm thinking, specifically, of the apostrophe, which in certain instances can help me to understand if you possess something, if someone else possesses something, or if there are more than one of something. "My nephews," "my nephew's," and "my nephews'," for instance, do not all mean the same thing.
"Ironic" does not mean "funny and intellectual." So if I don't laugh at your joke, saying "I was being ironic" will not convince me that the joke was sophisticated and therefore hilarious. Ironically.
"Mantel" and "mantle" are not variant spellings of the same word. So if I read "I lit four big candles on my mantle" I think "that's got to hurt." Because in my mind, you're wearing your mantle; however, I suppose you could have put it on the ground and then lit the candles. (See? I feel better already.)
"Flair" and "flare" are not variant spellings of the same word, either. Of course, if you write that you lit candles on your mantle to give it some flare, and then go on to tell me about the cute firefighter you met during the ensuing blaze, it all makes sense.
The phrase "I'm a positive person" does not mean the same thing as "I'm a better person [than you are]." No really, it doesn't. Look it up.

A New Year's Message from My Cat

2011-12-31T10:59:00.000-05:00

Have a Happy New Year or Imma hurt you.

The Dead Zone

2011-12-30T07:00:00.000-05:00

Not that kind of Dead.

A friend of mine used to refer to the week between Christmas and New Year's as "the dead zone," the time when one set of festivities is over and the next one has not yet begun. My friend used to throw a party during the dead zone, giving us all something to do besides wait for the ball to drop later in the week.

But I'm older now, and I don't mind a little quiet time. I've got my calendar and planner organized for the coming year, the Chrismas decorations are put away, and my jewelry work area (which was taken apart to make way for cookie baking) is back in the corner of the living room.

I've been spending time listening to music, or to the wind, or to the calls of the crows outside. I've been drawing, and thinking about new jewelry designs. I've been getting in bed early with the first of the Palliser novels.

It's been lovely.

Dept. of Home Economics: Soup From Leftovers

2011-12-27T14:17:00.000-05:00

Here at Old Maid HQ, it's often a challenge to cook fresh vegetables before they go bad, and to eat leftovers without expiring of boredom. When the fridge gets too full, I make Use-It-Up Soup. Check out how to make it over at My Life In Food: A Culinary "Art" Journal.

Now you know what to do with the vegetables from that crudite platter everyone ignored on Christmas Day in favor of the potato chips and onion dip.

Words of Wisdom, Christmas Edition: Charles Dickens

2011-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

"This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware of them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!... And bide the end."

A Christmas Carol

Merry Christmas, Gentle Readers! May Ignorance and Want be kept from your door today and always. May you instead, find peace, prosperity and good company in the new year.

Words of Wisdom: Elizabeth, Age 7

2011-12-19T08:16:00.001-05:00

Image: Best Ballet Shoes Online

Do the dance

to live your life

inside your heart

and outside your life

with the love of family

and people that are your friends!

Yes, It's Really a Jousting Scar

2011-12-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

What Happened Bandages from Urban Outfitters

The Army Dude heard about my thumb getting in the way of a cheese slicer, so he gave me a box of these nifty bandages. I'm still clumsy, but at least now I'm cool and clumsy.

Words of Wisdom: Louisa May Alcott

2011-12-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

Image: Zazzle.com

It takes so little to make a child happy that it is a pity, in a world full of sunshine and pleasant things, that there should be any wistful faces, empty hands, or lonely little hearts.

Little Men, 1871

Deck The Halls

2011-12-14T11:03:00.001-05:00

"Do you want to come over and help me decorate?" my grandmother would call to ask my siblings and me on a Saturday morning early in December. And yes, as a matter of fact, we did. It was the most eagerly anticipated day in the Christmas seasons of my childhood next to Christmas Day itself.

Boxes and boxes of decorations would come out of storage in the eaves behind my grandfather's closet. There was a long garland of plastic poinsettias to be wound around the bannister on the stairs. There was gold tinsel garland and scratchy white fake snow that I wasn't allowed to touch (it was probably toxic, come to think of it) to festoon the mantel, where a plastic sleigh with Santa and some wrapped gifts would be pulled by eight tiny reindeer and a Rudolph that was bigger than the rest and didn't match them.

There was a manger scene with all the usual fixings, including an angel holding a banner that said "Gloria," which when I was very little I thought was her name. My mom has the manger scene now, which she puts up every year and enjoys at least as much as my grandmother did. When I told her about Gloria one recent Christmas, my mother looked at me quizzically and said "Didn't you think of the carol with the words 'gloria in excelsis deo'?" Nope. I was a precocious reader, but more or less average in the understanding of Latin words department.

At Gram's house, the barn for the manger scene was carefully placed on the itchy, scratchy snow. I was allowed, as I got a little older, to place the figures in the scene -- which was a grave responsibility, both because of the fragile nature of the figures and the need for traditional accuracy in the placement -- with repeated warnings not to touch the snow (what was that stuff)? Next to the barn was placed a white church with a steeple that had lighted stained-glass windows and tiny carolers outside it, holding hymnals with their mouths permanently painted in Os.

There were tinsel garlands to festoon doorways, and a huge brandy snifter to fill with colored glass balls and place on the kitchen table. There were little Christmas figures for the top of the TV (what was already there was removed from its crocheted doily and stored for the season). Decorations for every room in the house came out of those boxes. But the scariest ornament of all -- to me as a little kid, anyway -- was the plastic mistletoe that hung in the doorway to the living room. It was attached to a styrofoam ball decorated with beads and ribbons.

This is a bell, not a ball, but you get the idea.

It wasn't scary looking, but it was very scary to a shy little kid because proximity to it meant getting kissed. Or having to kiss someone you really didn't want to, like your brother, for instance (on the cheek, but still). I used to pause about six feet from the doorway, make a visual reconnaissance of the area, and then run through the doorway at top speed once the coast was clear. I would be sternly reminded not to run in the house, but it was worth it, and in any case the grownups tended to be more lenient with the antics of excitable children at holiday time.

Despite my childhood anxieties, when I found a bunch of plastic mistletoe among the boxes of Christmas things I saved from going to the Johnston landfill, I had to keep it. It's hanging in the doorway between my sunroom and living room and in the unlikely event anyone tries to kiss me when I don't want them to, they will get, as my mother would say, a punch in the snoot.

Two Blogs, Two Etsy Pages

2011-12-13T07:30:00.000-05:00

Let's face it: just as I have too much fabulousness for one blog, I have too much fabulousness for one Etsy page. I'm still making and selling my handmade vintage, repurposed, and reclaimed jewelry at Sow's Ear Jewelry, and now I'm also selling fun vintage items at Carmen Miranda's Vintage & Kitsch. I seem to have an eye for kitschy vintage stuff. Who knew?

Right now I'm focusing on finding new homes for some vintage Christmas ornaments that I rescued before they went to the landfill.

This Vintage Koestal ornament is handcrafted with handpainted wax heads. It's from about the 1940s. No way was I going to let this end up in the trash. It's even cuter in person.

This is an awesome example of 1960s beaded crafts. It's a handmade angel ornament that's nine inches tall and can stand or hang. What's more awesome than baby blue paillettes?

Maybe a faux-Faberge egg ornament made from turquoise flocked material and dozens of faux-pearl beads. It's really pretty from every angle.

Of course, nothing says Christmas like a pair of demented choirboys in your floral display. You can quote me on that.

Dear, sweet, two-pound Baby Jesus is beautifully proportioned. It feels like you're holding a (small) real baby. I'm actually getting kind of attached to this one, so I hope somebody buys it soon. I might end up being the crazy lady pushing a baby Jesus statue in a pram, and nobody wants that.

Words of Wisdom: Harpo Marx

2011-12-07T09:43:00.001-05:00

I don't know if my life has been a success or a failure. But not having any anxiety about becoming one instead of the other, and just taking things as they came along, I've had a lot of extra time to enjoy life.

New Items in my Etsy Shop

2011-12-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

Dramatic Black & White Dangle Earrings $13

I love the combination of black and white. It always looks crisp, chic, and modern. I liked the idea of black & white earrings to finish a black & white ensemble, add punch to an all-black outfit, dress up a white summer sundress. The frosted glass beads pick up colors, too -- so the earrings can actually be worn with a lot of outfits.

Mixed Metal Dangle Earrings $12

I love the look of mixed metals. Simple, modern earrings go with warm tones or cool tones, and they coordinate with both silver and gold jewelry. Or you can be on-trend and mix silver and gold in your other jewelry and wear these to bring it all together.

Three Circle Dangle Earrings $12

These earrings have a lot of fun movement, and they add polish to any outfit. Slim jump rings give lightness to the stainless steel washers. These are the earrings to reach for when you are looking for something not too big, but not too small.

Industrial Dangle Earrings $13

These earrings make a pretty bold statement. While some of my other earrings incorporate hardware in such a way that the observer might not notice, the number of hex nuts here draws attention to the fact that they are hex nuts. In a cool way.

One thing I've realized since I started wearing hardware jewelry a couple of years ago is that guys notice it, they can tell what it's made of, and they think it's cool. I'm not saying for sure that wearing my jewelry will get you a date, but it might!

Check out everything at Sow's Ear Jewelry on Etsy.

Helping To Make Your Season Bright

2011-12-02T13:15:00.001-05:00

During this stressful time of year, what could brighten your day more than William Shatner? (Or as I like to call him, "The Shat" -- and yes, I do know what that is the past tense of, thank you very much.) Here he sings Bohemian Rhapsody with such dramatic pauses, such hilarious pathos, such utter... Shatnerness that your heart will be filled with joy. Or at least you'll laugh for five minutes and forty seconds. Enjoy!

Words of Wisdom: Me

2011-11-29T09:57:00.001-05:00

Image: Robyn O'Neill Photography

Shallow is the new deep.

My Etsy Shop Is Open!

2011-11-27T11:30:00.001-05:00

One-of-a-kind reclaimed earrings with hardware accents $18

After some struggles with the online setup and learning to use a new camera (based mostly in my unwillingness to read directions), my Etsy shop is open for business! My jewelry is made from repurposed hardware, reclaimed jewelry parts, and commercial findings such as jump rings and clasps. Occasionally I make a piece out of all new jewelry parts, but not very often.

Hardware necklace $18

The idea for this necklace came to me as a friend handed me a big coffee can full of hardware he wanted to get out of his house. I thought, Oh look, a brackety thingy. I wonder what I can do with it? A little while later, I was at home carrying out what I'd pictured. I've gotten lots of positive feedback on this piece, and the inspiration behind it really was as simple as that.

Chunky hardware earrings $13

I liked this pair of earrings so much I made another for myself. I love how I can wear a plain turtleneck and jeans, and when I put these on I look dressed. You know, like I made an effort. I enjoy that in an accessory.

Modern chain bracelet $18

I didn't expect the photography process to be as fun as it is turning out to be. I'm having a great time looking for just the right backgrounds and learning how to light the pieces properly. The way I photographed this bracelet is my homage to Yves Saint Laurent's iconic mid-'60s Mondrian Collection. But you knew that, right?

You can check out everything I have listed so far at http://sowsearjewels.etsy.com/. I've got more to list in the coming days, and lots of ideas going forward into the new year.

Auntie's Tips: Post-Thanksgiving Dieting

2011-11-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

This is a bad idea.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T11:48:00.001-05:00

My table centerpiece: a bowl my brother made me filled with colorful fallen leaves.

Happy Thanksgiving, Gentle Readers. I'm thankful to each and every one of you for taking time out of your busy days to read the crazy goings-on in my life and in my head.

Dept. of Home Economics: More Fun With Broccoli Stems

2011-11-19T10:51:00.001-05:00

Not a fan of Cream of Broccoli Soup? Fret not, Gentle Reader. There a lots of other things you can do with your broccoli stems instead of throwing them away. Check out some ideas at My Life In Food: A Culinary "Art" Journal. Plus, there is a Jane Austen quote and I take a couple of shots at Martha Stewart!

The WHATcracker???

2011-11-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes blog topics just get handed to me. Quite literally in this case, because a card advertising this heartfelt production was handed to me as I left the opera on Sunday. I can only imagine the reaction of my fellow patrons -- most of whom were over the age of seventy.

Seriously, people, have high school kids completely taken over the theater in Boston? The Slutcracker? Nobody over the age of eighteen could find that name and image anything but stupid. Could they? (Please, God, let the answer to that be "no.")

You can click here to see what it's about, but be warned: it is Not Safe For Work (and not safe for you at all, Mom).

Image: theslutcracker.com.

Macbeth...and Zombies

2011-11-15T10:57:00.001-05:00

Playtex Living Gloves

Of DOOM

On Sunday, I went to see The Boston Lyric Opera's production of Macbeth. It's an early work by Giuseppe Verdi, but as the music director pointed out in the lecture before the performance, it is not an immature early work. The music is lovely, with choral passages that are just breathtaking. The performers had amazing voices and the orchestra did a great job of supporting them without overwhelming the beauty of their singing.

The staging, however, was another thing entirely. It was as if the opera had been staged by a high school student who had just discovered symbolism: heavy-handed and unintentionally hilarious.

The entire chorus was made up of zombies. As characters died, they returned to the stage wearing the same zombie makeup so it became hard to tell who was really dead and who was faking it for the sake of Art. The women wore vaguely 19th century peasant garb and the men were dressed vaguely as early 20th century newsboys. The colors were drab and lifeless. Maybe this was a comment on how tough life was when the people of Scotland were ruled by kings who killed people right and left. When the chorus was portraying the nobles of the court, however, they were dressed exactly the same way. You'd think life at court would be a bit better -- or at least, courtiers would dress better. In this scene, Lady Macbeth is singing before the royal court. Not that you would know.

See the red gloves? The chorus waved those gloves around and danced like they were at a Miley Cyrus concert. They wanted to make sure you were paying attention to the gloves, which were red because the Macbeths have blood on their hands. Get it? It's symbolism.

The yellow gloves at the top of this post were props in Act I. While Macbeth got his prophesies from the witches in a forest, Giant Playtex Living Gloves painted onto particle board waved in the background. Toward the end of the scene, the gloves were flipped to reveal bloodstains. Macbeth is going to have blood on his hands. It's foreshadowing, y'all. My drawings pretty accurately portray what the gloves looked like. They weren't just Gloves of Doom. They were Cartoon Gloves of Doom.

I knew we were in trouble when the curtain rose to reveal a raised stage made of riveted steel. It looked like the deck of an aircraft carrier and was surrounded by metal staging and stairs. I hoped that perhaps we were in for a modern take on Macbeth (which could have been interesting if it was well done) but then the chorus came out in their garb of unidentifiable provenance and zombie makeup and I realized we were in for a bumpy ride.

The chairs on the stage are supposed to be seats for the king and the highest-ranking members of court. I could see, even from the last row of the mezzanine, that the chairs had been purchased at a local Goodwill and spray-painted with sparkly gold Krylon. I'm all for an eclectic look, but really? The king of Scotland can't afford something not held together underneath with ye olde duct tape? Those chairs moved all over the place -- around the stage, up and down the staging, and over the heads of the zombie court while the principals were singing their hearts out. It was very distracting.

There was a lot of red splashed about in this production. A lot of red. That's because a lot of blood is shed in this story. It's symbolism. The men in the angry mob above are wearing Red Ballcaps of Doom because Macbeth has just been stabbed by Macduff (not to be confused with McGruff). Blood is being shed. Get it? In the previous scene, women were wearing Red Kerchiefs of Doom to let you know Macbeth's doom is approaching. In case you've never heard of Shakespeare and you need a warning that Macbeth dies in the end.

This is the scene where Lady Macbeth descends into madness (quite literally, as you can see). I wish the BLO website had a photo of the Jedi Rolling Pin she carried around in the first part of the scene where Lady Macbeth is wandering in the night muttering about the blood she can't wash off her hands. I thought at first she was holding a black light, since using a black light is the best way to reveal bloodstains even after the area has been washed. But no, it was a rolling-pin-shaped gadget that lit up and she waved it around for a while. It distracted from the bravura musical performance she was giving, which was a shame.

The zombie in this picture is a doctor. You can tell because he's wearing a Red Lab Coat of Doom. Maybe the coat is red because in Shakespeare's (and Verdi's) time, doctors bled their patients. Maybe it's a comment on the medical system of today and how it's bleeding us all dry. Maybe it's foreshadowing that in the next scene, Lady Macbeth dies. Maybe all three. That's some deep stuff, my friends.

In the final scene, Dead King Malcolm, Dead Mrs. Macduff, and Dead Lady Macbeth (with their otherworldly garments helpfully marked in blood with the spots where they recieved their mortal wounds) drip rose petals down over little Banquo, Jr. who is still alive and will someday rule Scotland. They do this to let audience members who may have nodded off know that his reign will come to pass because of the blood that has been shed. In the background, the newsboys in the Red Ballcaps of Doom sing about how sad it all is.

Photos: blo.org.

Whaaaaaat?

2011-11-12T10:11:00.001-05:00

Conceive of my shock, Gentle Readers, when I was on the phone with the Army Dude this morning, chatting of this and that, and the Army Dude said "Chanel? Who's that?"

It was a few moments before I regained my powers of speech. I then explained to him, in the politest tones I could muster, who she was. He replied "Oh, right. An old dead lady."

An old dead lady? Next he's going to tell me that Gene Kelly isn't really my boyfriend.

I haven't been this upset since my sister started wearing legwarmers. I need to lie down on my chaise longue with a cold compress on my fevered brow, a cup of tea, and Young Men In Spats.

Veteran's Day

2011-11-11T07:00:00.000-05:00

The Army Dude is old school: photos from below the name tape down only.

I know I tease the Army Dude a lot on my blogs, but the truth is I am fortunate to know someone who is not only a squared-away soldier, but an excellent human being.

Thank you for your service, Army Dude. And thank you to everyone who puts his or her life on the line for the rest of us.

Dept. of Home Economics: Cream of Broccoli Soup

2011-11-10T13:16:00.002-05:00

Did you know you can make delicious soup from the broccoli stems you usually throw out? It's cheaper than the stuff from a can, it tastes better, and it's better for you! Check out the recipe at My Life In Food: A Culinary "Art" Journal.

Earworm

2011-11-08T11:20:00.001-05:00

"We live and learn from our mistakes; the deepest cuts are healed by faith"

This song has been in my head for a couple of days, courtesy of a mix CD (remember those?) my sister-of-the-heart Monica made way back in 2003. Monica introduced me to this song, as she has to so many cool things that have been recorded since dear Mr. Gershwin's untimely death.

What's not to love? The song is catchy as hell, Pat Benatar is belting it out, and there are mullets in the video!

Enjoy.

Anything Went

2011-11-07T07:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched Anything Goes, starring Bing Crosby, Donald O'Connor, Mitzi Gaynor, and Jeanmaire. There was a lot of talent on that screen, but the movie itself was just... meh.

The costumes by Edith Head were gorgeous, though. So that was something.

The musical numbers were mostly annoying. The only thing that saved a few of them was the presence of Donald O'Connor. I may not be the best judge, however. I'm still harboring a resentment against Cole Porter for rhyming the words "nina" and "neurasthenia."

Auntie Maria: Jewelry Designer

2011-11-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

I need to work on my photography.

Things have gotten kind of interesting around here lately. What started out as a hobby making jewelry for myself and as gifts from repurposed and reclaimed materials has turned into the beginnings of a business.

Granted, my first customer was my sister Rachel. But she paid me!

So now I'm ordering business cards and brainstorming with friends about marketing. I've started keeping track of what I make so designs can be duplicated. I'm assigning them stock numbers and everything.

What I really enjoy, though, is taking out all the sparkly and shiny materials and spreading them out so I can play. That's the fun part.

A new work area in the corner of my living room. The creative projects have been taking over my dining table and a girl's gotta eat.

This is just how Coco Chanel got started. Well, actually it was hats, and she had a rich, titled boyfriend as a financial backer. But close enough.

Words of Wisdom: Erin

2011-11-02T09:20:00.000-04:00

"There is no squeezing in ballet!"

She Is Too Fond of Books

2011-11-01T11:47:00.000-04:00

Can you guess who I am?

Last night I dressed up as an Aunt of Literature to give out candy at my friend's house. Even with the book as a prop, the only people who knew I was Louisa May Alcott were women over the age of forty. The costume itself was a smart choice, though. All those petticoats and layers (and the fur lined coat I borrowed from my friend as a finishing touch) kept me toasty warm.

Next year, maybe I should dress as the girl who wrote the Twilight series. Or I could go as that Snooki person. She wrote a book -- I saw it at Barnes & Noble the other day.

Somehow, the idea that girls are reading Confessions of a Guidette instead of Little Women scares me more than all those creepy clowns and zombies I saw last night.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

I totally stole this from someone on Facebook.

Tonight I'm going to my friend's house as I do every Halloween. She lives on a busy street and gets a bazillion trick-or-treaters. What's more fun on Halloween night than sitting on the porch drinking tea and handing out candy to a bunch of cute kids in costume?

Dressing up to hand out candy, that's what. I usually think of this approximately five minutes before leaving the house. Last year, my friend loaned me a plush moose hat and all evening people kept saying it was too early for reindeer. That was annoying.

This year, I've got a costume all ready to go. I'm going to get someone to take my picture and I'll post it here because obviously I have no shame about posting pictures in which I look silly. I'll give you a hint: I'm dressing as an Aunt of Literature.

And no, it's not Auntie Em.

Doesn't Everyone?

2011-10-24T20:24:00.000-04:00

Who wouldn't want to drive the Zamboni? I'm not saying I'd want to make a career out of it, but to me, the only rational response to the question "Do you want to come down to the rink and drive the Zamboni?" is "Let me get my jacket."

Dept. of Home Economics: The Incredible Egg Carton

2011-10-21T14:09:00.003-04:00

It's the little things. Specifically, it's the little things lying around the house that are tough to corral and keep organized. So it was with my jewelry making supplies -- until last night, when I made an omelet for dinner.

I washed and dried the empty carton from my Little Rhody Natural eggs, and then cut it apart to create three storage trays. You could leave the top on if you want storage with a lid; I wanted to be able to place them flat in the storage drawer that I take out of its cabinet and bring to my table when I'm ready to make jewelry. The egg-shaped sides stack nicely, provided they are not too full.
Here are some uses for your empty egg cartons that I came up with just off the top of my head, but there are probably a lot more:

Desk drawer: Use one or more sides to organize paper clips, binder clips, erasers, sticky notes, etc.
Craft and sewing supplies: With or without lids, you supplies will be neat and organized. No more ransacking drawers looking for one specific thing -- or worse, buying something you forgot you had.
Tiny toys: I'm thinking of Barbie's accessories or all those pieces for the Littlest Pet Shop -- but anything tiny and easily lost can be stored in egg cartons. Let the kids get creative and decorate the cartons with stickers.
Girls' hair accessories: You'll be able to find barettes, snap clips, and ponytail holders, even on a busy morning. Let your daughter get creative with decorating the outside of the carton.
Kitchen junk drawer: One or more trays will neatly store batteries, matches, restaurant business cards, rubber bands, twist ties, etc.
Jewelry: if you're a gal who keeps jewelry in the top dresser drawer -- or a guy with tie tacks and cufflinks you want to store -- a plastic egg carton is the perfect see-through storage solution.
Home repair kit: Keeping those screws, nuts, washers, etc. organized might make it less likely that you and your significant other will fight while fixing something. Might. I'm not making any promises.

Safety First

2011-10-20T16:45:00.002-04:00

If you go for a walk with the Army Dude in the western part of Rhode Island at this time of year, he requires you to wear one of these attractive numbers. It's to avoid getting shot because of deer hunting season, but honestly, how much danger could I be in? It's not like I ever shut up.

Note how it gives that pumpkin shape to which every girl aspires -- and the color... well, the photo doesn't do it justice.

Even though the day was a bit overcast, I decided to accessorize with a pair of sparkly sunglasses. (Translation: I hid behind them.) Not that I think it helped. I haven't felt this conspicuous since my sister Rachel visited and did my makeup before we went out to dinner.

Cozy

2011-10-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

A rainy day. Tailor-made for making jewelry, reading, and taking a nap. Who am I to argue with Mother Nature?

What I'm Reading: Philosophy

2011-10-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

In addition to making jewelry and absorbing vitamin D while the sun shines, I've also been reading a book called Fifty Key Medieval Thinkers. Want me to tell you all about it?

I didn't think so.

Projects

2011-10-10T16:05:00.000-04:00

Earrings and bracelet made from washers and hex nuts

The sun has been doing a great deal of shining in these parts, and I've been eager to soak up the last few rays before winter's icy fingers grab hold of us for the next several months. Not terribly cheery, I grant you, but name me a New Englander who isn't feeling the same way right now and I will show you someone who is dangerously over-medicated.

In between rounds of frolicking in the great outdoors, I've been working on some creative projects.

Necklace and earrings made from rubber o-rings

Earrings, variations on a theme

Rusted washers, sealed and in various states of dryness, waiting for me to figure out what to do with them

I'm sure there is a way to make the washers rusty, but I have no idea what it is. I got these washers the old fashioned way: I spied them with my little eye and then picked them up off the street.

You know, maybe the Team Maria President is right and I should have an AuntieCam.

Awesome Rating: High, But Conflicted

2011-10-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks here at Old Maid HQ, with the loss of two members of my family of choice. One I discussed here; the other was the sudden death of someone whose path and mine crossed, but not often enough. I would have liked to have known him a lot better than I did. His sister is a friend of mine, and although I was on the periphery of the huge group that mourned his passing, it's been exhausting.

Two of the things my friend gave me from her brothers house are these Spanish dancers. I loved them as soon as I saw them, but I waited until others had taken things they wanted before I asked for them. They remind me of some lamps my grandma had in her living room the whole time I was growing up, but that were thrown out when the room was redecorated. (New brass lamps from J.C. Penney with the plastic still on the shades were involved. You don't want to know.)

Oddly enough, I was the only person among our group of friends who appreciated the delightful tackiness of these two girls. They now live on a deep shelf above my kitchen sink, and every time I look up at them they make me smile. I like to think that wherever they are, J and Gram are smiling too.

RIP Ringo Stu Kitty, Esq.

2011-09-30T10:17:00.001-04:00

It's a sad day here at Old Maid HQ. Ringo Stu Kitty, beloved cat of Monica of 5 Cats Shy, brother of the dearly departed Seamus Patrick O'Kitty and excellent roadtrip buddy crossed the Rainbow Bridge last night.

Ringo Stu was a six-pound cat with a lion-sized personality. He always greeted guests at the door like the gentleman he was. Ringo was an excellent conversationalist who enjoyed talking on the phone with his grandma Kathleen and expressing himself on many topics. He was also a talented singer who enjoyed xylophone music and would sing along with Buddy Holly's "Every Day" and the Beastie Boys' "Girls." His cow impersonations were legendary.

Ringo was a very cuddly cat who would by means of stealth get onto his mother's lap at any opportunity. He loved his mother very much, and he also had love to share with others. When we were traveling across the country, I woke up many times with Ringo curled up on my belly. Ringo was a lot of love in a very small package.

Ringo is survived by his mother Monica, his grandma Kathleen, his aunt Michelle, his aunt Maria, and his cousins Huckleberry and Daphne Clementine Katz. Godspeed, "Ringo Stulio down at the schoolyard."

Words of Wisdom: The Army Dude on "The Secret"

2011-09-28T18:28:00.001-04:00

"If you're stuck in a concentration camp, you can hang out with the group who wants to pretend that it's all sunshine and fun at Disneyland, or you can hang out with the group who says 'this sucks' and are working on a way to escape. Sticking with the second group is probably going to be a lot more work, but there is a much better chance that you will actually achieve results -- like getting out."

Image: Disney-site.com

Skip This Book

2011-09-23T16:08:00.000-04:00

Pride and Prejudice recently rose to the top of my DVD queue. While I was watching it (and swooning over Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy), I became interested in reading about Jane Austen. Why not? She was an old maid who liked to write; I'm an old maid who likes to write. Leaving aside her literary genius and shocking lack of cats, and ignoring my obscurity and occasional F-bomb, we are practically twins.

Out of a fairly hefty shelf devoted to Jane at my local library, I selected Jane Austen: Obstinate Heart by Valerie Grosvenor Myer. It promised to tell me about the woman behind the novels. All it did was confuse me.

The book starts with a chapter on Jane's early life, which contains the names of every person remotely related to Jane who was alive during her lifetime. While it represents an impressive amount of posthumous Janestalking, it only serves to confuse the reader -- partly because many of the people named are not very important to the story at hand, and partly because every other woman in the extended Austen family was named Jane or Cassandra, and every other man was named James, Edward, James-Edward, or Edward-James.

The following chapter is a quick trot through the Possible Loves of Jane. We get Jane's entire romantic history in almost a bullet-point format. Does the author think we are that uninterested in why Jane never married at a time when marriage was the ticket to financial security? Apparently she does.

The book then settles down to a more or less linear format, beginning with Jane's move in her early twenties to Bath with her family. And then, I don't know, a bunch of stuff happens and Jane is annoyed by most of it (I feel her pain). It's all places and dates and lists of relatives Jane visits. I lost interest in the book around the time the author tells us that at a certain point, Jane had two novels finished but unpublished. I wondered when did that happen and why wasn't I told? When did she start the novels and why? What were her days like? Did she set the novels wherever she happened to be living? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, MS. MYERS?

At which point, I gave it up and returned the book to the library. My blood pressure couldn't take any more. It was all too confusing -- although I'll admit it's possible that the source of my confusion has its roots in my intemperate youth. But based on the reviews I read at Amazon.com, though, I think the blame lies squarely with the author.

Sunset Boulevard

2011-09-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

I saw Sunset Boulevard for the first time last week. Oh. My. God. What a great movie! In case anyone in the Western world isn't familiar with it, the story centers around Norma Desmond (played by silent film legend Gloria Swanson) , a washed-up silent film star who dreams of a big Hollywood comback, and Joe Gillis (played by William Holden), a screenwriter whose career has never taken off and who is pretty much down to his last few bucks. Fate brings Joe to Norma's crumbling mansion when he hides in her driveway to avoid reposession of his car. Joe is drawn into Norma's demented world of faded glory like a fly stepping into a spiderweb.

In other hands, this could have been a very different movie -- but the actors give the characters dimension. Watching it, we believe that Joe isn't just a gigolo who enjoys expensive gifts and a lavish lifestyle paid for by a rich older woman. We believe he really cares about Norma, who is lonely and lost as well as demented and living in the past.

Billy Wilder's directing is done with a very deft hand -- two parts film noir, one part monster movie. There is a montage where Norma undergoes a series of bizarre youth-regaining treatments that can't help but make the viewer think of Frankenstein's monster. In heavily shadowed scenes, the character of Max von Mayerling (played by Erich von Stroheim) is gradually revealed as a sort of Dr. Frankenstein. He is Norma's servant, but he also has an unhealthy amount of control over her. We begin to wonder what payoff he is getting by lying to her and playing along with her crazy fantasies.

Part of what made this movie so great for me is that I've seen a few silent movies, as well as the early talkie The Taming of the Shrew (with Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford, both of whom had also been silent movie stars). In The Taming of the Shrew, Fairbanks and Pickford absolutely chew the scenery. Never before had I seen such heavy-handed overacting, but it showed that the very talents that made great silent films did not translate well to talking pictures. It made Norma's plight more understandable and her devotion to dramatic facial expressions and gestures sad instead of laughable. Gloria Swanson gives a tour de force performance as a woman who is like a screen image instead of a human being.

Edith Head did a great job with the costumes. Most of the characters wear everyday clothes that were fashionable at the time. Norma's clothes, like her personality, are larger than life. They are based on fashionable looks of 1950, but Edith Head added scarves and head wraps, fur stoles and pounds of diamond jewelry -- Norma never completely lets go of the fashions of her glory days. Max is creepy as a manservant in a quasi-military uniform. Norma and Max's clothes reflect that they are living in a world of their own, for the most part oblivious to the fact that life has gone on without them outside the walls of the mansion.

Sunset Boulevard. I absolutely loved it.

Words of Wisdom: Will James

2011-09-15T12:20:00.000-04:00

"To my way of thinking there's something wrong, or missing, with any person who hasn't got a soft spot in their heart for an animal of some kind. With most folks the dog stands highest as man's friend, then comes the horse, with others the cat is liked best as a pet, or a monkey is fussed over; but whatever kind of animal it is a person likes, it's all hunkydory so long as there's a place in the heart for one or a few of them."

Smoky, The Cow Horse (1929)

Pet Peeve

2011-09-11T11:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Veterinary Clinic Staff:

This is a cone.

Image: Allposters.com

This is an Elizabethan collar. Please update your terminology accordingly. Thank you.

Hugs,
Maria

[Gentle readers, my cat had some routine surgery to remove benign growths on her ear and cheek. In person she looks like she's gone a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson on a day when he was in a biting mood, but rest assured, she is fine.]

Dept. Of Home Economics: Organization

2011-09-09T11:56:00.000-04:00

I love a clean and organized home, don't you? Mary Agnes up there always kept her home spotless and tidy. Me? I try. In general, I enjoy organizing more than I enjoy using the system I set up, so things tend to slide gradually into a state of disarray. Then I get to have the fun of organizing again, so at least that's something.

This week, with kids going back to school and a hint of Fall in the air, I've been in the mood for a clean start, so to speak. I've been cleaning and organizing like a madwoman, starting with my bedroom closet. After reading some organizing tips online and drooling over fancy closet makeovers by companies like California Closets, I realized that part of my problem has been working with the existing closet setup instead of taking a couple of facts into account: that my tiny walk-in closet has to store more than clothes, and that I need more space for folded items than I do hanging items. The double dresser I already have is full to bursting; however, a California Closet makeover isn't in the budget.

So I went to Walmart, and for six bucks and change I got one of these babies to increase the space for things like tee shirts now and turtlenecks later on. (I already have a small dresser for lingerie in the closet, as well as a free-standing shelf unit that holds folded jeans.) What I like about this new shelf is the fact that I can slide it across the bar as the seasons change and I need to hang different things. Essentially, I created a coat closet on one side of it -- which will require more space once the wool coats come out of their storage bins.

Then I hung a tension rod (available in the aisle where shower curtains are sold) under a shelf that is at a right-angle to the existing rod, creating about 2.5 feet of extra hanging space for blouses and short skirts. In a tiny Newport closet, that's a LOT of real estate.

I also came to the conclusion that despite my best efforts, keeping a shelf that is above my head organized is difficult at best. I bought four or five plastic shoe storage boxes -- available in-store for $1 each -- to corral things by category: products for cleaning the upstairs bathroom in one, wardrobe maintenance items (shoe polish, mending kit, etc.) in another, and so on. Now I can find the Static Guard when I need it without having to go downstairs for a stepstool.

I suppose the truly organized (or, ahem, obsessive-compulsive) would put a lid on each box and then label the front with a fancy printed label. I used the boxes more like baskets so they could hold more and things with oddball shapes would fit in them.

Walmart.com has a lot of organizational products available. So does Target.com. The Container Store has more stylish options than were in my budget at the moment, as does The Pottery Barn. Organize.com also has some great options.

An important thing to keep in mind is that items designed for one area of the home can often be used in another. For example, a wire mesh pencil cup would make a cute makeup brush holder. I use a pair of pretty drinking glasses. It's called "repurposing" and Mary Agnes was a master at it. Because really, the thriftiest way to keep things organized is to use what you already have.

One Badass Teddy

2011-09-06T11:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, that's a Harley-Davidson do-rag. Henry's cool like that.

Squeak!

2011-09-05T16:47:00.000-04:00

Things were fun this weekend around the old HQ because my sister Rachel visited from Chicago. It's always fun to spend time with her. We look a lot alike, we laugh at the same things, and also, I get to tease her about sounding like a cartoon character. In true big sister fashion, gentle readers, I have her convinced that I think her voice is squeaky but mine isn't -- even though in reality I know we sound exactly the same.

The question in my mind is "am I a genius or what?" but I'm sure the question in your mind is "why do they sound like cartoon characters?" The answer is, I don't know. Our other sister sounds perfectly normal and sings like an angel. I suspect neither Rachel nor I paid attention when announcements were made in heaven about where the lines were forming to choose adult voices, so we got stuck with kid voices forever.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a sore throat, which has since developed into some kind of a virus. I'm assuming this is because I spent all day Saturday with ~~the little petri dishes~~ my beloved nieces and nephew. Now I sound like a cartoon character who's been a little too free with the whiskey and cigarettes. It is not an improvement.

Goodnight Irene

2011-08-30T12:38:00.006-04:00

Other than the sounds of chainsaws and woodchippers all over the neighborhood, things are pretty much back to normal here at Old Maid HQ. The power went out approximately ten minutes after the wind started to blow and stayed out for about 36 hours, but thanks to the folks at National Grid working around the clock, we got power back days ahead of projections.

I spent the day yesterday with my darling sister-in-law and my nieces and nephew. They got power back around noon, so I was able to charge my phone and scrounge a hot shower and a hot meal before venturing home.

The cat is also really glad the power is back on. On Sunday night she got pretty tired of me shining a flashlight on her to cast her shadow on the wall and then singing the theme from the 1960s "Batman" television series.

Words of Wisdom: My Niece Katie

2011-08-25T10:35:00.002-04:00

Then I realized... there are many degrees of happiness.

Do Not Disturb

2011-08-24T11:31:00.003-04:00

My BFF was in town for a week, and in addition to the usual merrymaking and carrying on, there was her 90th birthday party and a family cookout that I helped to cater and clean up after.

If anyone is looking for me over the next couple of days, I can be found napping with my cat in the sunroom. Being nice to people in large groups really takes it out of a cantankerous old maid.

What I'm Reading: Apollo's Angels

2011-08-16T11:10:00.003-04:00

Apollo's Angels is six-hundred-plus pages of ballet history, and managed to keep me engaged throughout. That alone tells you it's a well-written and interesting book.

Jennifer Homans discusses the history of ballet from its beginnings as a courtly art in 17th century to the great dancers and choreographers of the 20th century. Through it all, ballet was shaped by the events of modern European history: politics, war, and especially the rise of communism.

As a dancer -- an aged, decrepit dancer, but a dancer nonetheless -- it was fun to read about the long and fascinating history that I'm a part of every time I go into the studio. And the next time we do a reverence at the end of class, I'll do it with more, well, reverence.

Supposedly About Fall Fashion (But Really Just General Crankiness)

2011-08-12T09:42:00.005-04:00

Lately, I feel like I'm living in a world gone mad -- to the point where I'm almost afraid to open my browser in the morning and see what the day's headlines are. At times like this, you'd think that reading fashion magazines and websites would be to my weary soul as chocolate is to PMS. But you would be wrong.

Maybe it's because I recently looked at a book about fashion from 1909-1939, in the introduction to which Diana Vreeland gushed about how "everyone" was chic and happy and full of fun until World War II came along and wrecked everything. Because, as everyone knows, World War I and the Great Depression were both freaking blasts.

These days, Vreeland's successors at Vogue are desperately begging people to buy something, anything, by basically throwing a lot of crap at the wall and seeing what sticks. Which is fine, I guess, since it means there are lots of choices out there -- but most of them aren't very good choices.

Take the coat above, by Rick Owens. The style is timeless! You can see paintings from the Middle Ages where figures are wearing something similar, that's how timeless it is. And it will look ever-so-chic until... well, until December 26th, to be precise. And then you might haul it out of the back of the closet next year if you're invited to a Star Trek-themed Halloween party.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because last night on Project Runway the contestants were given the challenge to dress stiltwalkers (that would be performers who walk on stilts, not really tall hookers) and then those who made costumes -- as opposed to outfits for gigantic elderly secretaries -- were penalized.

I'm telling you, the world has become a crazy place.

Fall Fashion Update With Exciting New Game!

2011-08-08T08:35:00.008-04:00

Image: Suno.com

I promised to give you the scoop on fall fashion, so here it is. The prevailing theme in all the magazines I looked at the other day can be boiled down to the following sentence: "THE ECONOMY IS TERRIBLE AND NUMBERS ARE DOWN, SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY SOMETHING!"

They didn't put it exactly that way, of course. Instead, the fall fashion issues I looked at all had articles full of urgent fashion superlatives, telling the reader that she simply must have fitted sweaters, big slouchy sweaters, jewel tones, earth tones, black-and-white ensembles, things that look modern, things that look vintage. "The midi length skirt is back!" the fashion editors claim, but they showed every length from gyno-mini to maxi. They just want you to buy something, pretty please.

The picture at the top of this post is an example of the important fashion trend that Style.com calls "Collage Studies." You could buy the outfit above from Suno for thousand of dollars, or you can play an exciting new fashion game! Here's how to play: have a friend blindfold you, and then steer you toward your closet. Grab the first blouse, skirt, tee shirt, tights, and pair of shoes you get your hands on. Put them on. Remove the blindfold and be impressed with the chic ensemble you put together! Borrow an oversized plaid fleece jacket from your father, brother, or significant other, and put it on over the whole thing. Look! You're a fashionista!

Or, for examples of mixing prints from women who have real-world budgets, bodies, and places to go where they don't want to be laughed at, check out this post on Style...The New Black.

Dept. of Home Economics: Trash to "Treasure"

2011-08-05T09:24:00.011-04:00

I've been working this week on some things I like to call "swamp yankee crafts," and it has occurred to me that my grandma would be proud since I am taking trash and reusing it. She liked anything that was gussied up for little to no money and was famous at the church Christmas bazaar for her crocheted toilet paper covers.

My first craft is a hillbilly basket. It was designed to go with a John Deere themed room at the Army Dude's house, so that's what dictated the materials and color scheme. I measured the length and width of the areas I wanted to weave fabric through, and cut the denim strips (from an old pair of jeans) about an inch longer. Then I trimmed the ends as necessary once I had them stitched in place.

I glued a piece of cardboard (cut out of a Triscuits box) to the fabric for the bottom to give it some support. I left the cardboard visible because, well, it's a hillbilly basket. If I ever do this again, I think I'll try using strips of thick paper (like magazine covers) and glue. Stitching inside a box was a pain.

My next swamp yankee craft was cat food can tea light holders. I got the idea of recycling cans by wrapping them with something new from Alyssa Watters, who was selling cans covered in prints of her original art at a caft fair earlier this summer (the Army Dude bought several). I don't know how I made the mental leap from that to tealight holders made from cat food cans, but as I'm sure you've realized by now, gentle readers, my mind is a strange and mysterious place.

I stripped the labels off the cans and cleaned them really well. I saved one of the labels as a template because I'm not smart with math and calculating circumferences due to the fact that the math area of my brain has been crowded out by show tune lyrics.

Next, I cut strips from magazine pages with pretty images and glued them onto the cans using a glue stick. Then I applied a thin layer of Mod Podge with a brush to create a lightly textured effect and let it dry.

I worked on these while watching a marathon of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. It seemed like the right thing to do.

I'm No Saint (But I Want A Name Like One)

2011-08-03T09:14:00.010-04:00

I'm thinking of calling myself Maria the Astonishing. Or maybe Auntie Maria the Astonishing (it's a work in progress). It has a superhero quality that I like, and has the advantage -- like Gorgeous George or Vlad the Impaler -- of letting people know what they're up against. It's helpful, is my point.

I got the idea from the fabulous blog Got Medieval. If you don't read it yet, why not? It's on my blogroll. The author is a doctoral student in medieval studies and he's hilarious (it surprised me too). If you've ever wondered about the difference between a catapult and a trebuchet (and I know you have), you'll find this blog to be an invaluable reference.

Regarding the name Maria the Astonishing, it comes from a medieval Belgian saint named Christina the Astonishing, who apparently came pretty close to being buried when she was only mostly dead. Legend has it that after waking up during her funeral mass, she levitated to the ceiling because she couldn't bear the smell of sinful people. Pretty astonishing, I would say. I realize that people in the medieval era didn't bathe all that much, but you'd think she'd have been used to it, and having been mostly dead for a couple of days she couldn't have smelled too fresh herself.

I just want to steal her name, you understand. After her near death experience, she went on to renounce all comforts and actually seek out ways to suffer. That would not suit me at all.

A Day In The Life

2011-08-02T10:39:00.014-04:00

Awesome spider web in Rovensky Park

The Team Maria President thinks I need an AuntieCam because he says I am always up to random and hilarious things that would be fun to watch. Exhibit A, he believes, is the fact that I got up at 4 a.m. and put on a fancy necklace and a tiara to watch the royal wedding. Exhibit B is the fact that I think it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Trust me, gentle readers, you do not want me to set up a webcam. Right now I'm still in yoga clothes and I haven't brushed my hair. However, yesterday -- since I'd already decided that I was going to play hooky from all the things I should be doing -- I thought I'd bring a camera along and document my day.

I took a mid-morning walk to Rovensky Park, where I checked on the tree where I'd hung a bracelet I found in the path one day. Yup, it's still there. Then I sat on the grass under a weeping willow for a while, just thinking my thoughts.

Arriving back at Old Maid HQ, I decided to make some sun tea. This batch has pomegranate and blueberry green teabags, plus one bag of True Blueberry. I'm a rebel like that.

This is what I wore. See? Perfectly normal -- nary a tiara in sight. The dress is from Old Navy. I bought three of them for next to nothing at the beginning of the summer and I've been living in them. Other items:

Flats: Target, last summer
Bracelets: Ed Levin
Rings: Road trip mood ring and silver ring from Pepi
Watch: Raymond Weil, at least 20 years old
Earrings: a gift from a friend.

I know Michael Kors would have something stinging to say about the fact that my earrings match my dress ("Oh my God, she's a middle-aged Barbie!" comes to mind) but too bad. I love turquoise and am fully capable of putting together a head-to-toe turquoise look including shoes and an ankle bracelet. I think I showed remarkable restraint.

By lunchtime I was hungry and dreadfully hot, so I made a smoothie. (Note that I put the top securely in place before starting the blender, Rachel.) This one is banana and strawberry with vanilla yogurt.

I headed out to Barnes & Noble where I browsed through a stack of glossy fashion magazines because I simply had to know what's in for fall. I got the scoop, but more on that in a future post.

I took a quick browse through Michael's and laughed at the moss balls. I'd have taken a second picture of them and sent it to my brother and sister to brighten their workdays because I'm a giver, but my phone was on low battery.

Arriving home in the late afternoon, I caught up on Tom & Lorenzo's take on the first episode of Project Runway Season 9 and added my opinions to the commentary. As one does.

After dinner out at the Blue Plate Diner with a couple of friends (I had the Cobb Salad), it was time to curl up in my Tinkerbell pajamas with a P.G. Wodehouse anthology and call it a day.

Words of Wisdom: Barbara Ellison

2011-07-31T12:09:00.003-04:00

What we need is now and then to set our faces obstinately against the duties, real and imaginary, that crowd us and give ourselves over with the glorious abandonment of children to the spirit of the small boy who, with delightful inconsequence, goes off fishing when he ought to be doing something else.

Inspiration, 1926

Dept. Of Home Economics: Vinegar

2011-07-29T15:46:00.003-04:00

Sometimes your tummy is unhappy. Maybe you ate too much garlic at an Italian restaurant last night, maybe you just got over a bout with the 'flu, maybe nerves or acid reflux are rearing their ugly heads. Fret no more, gentle readers. Auntie Maria has a remedy for that. It's cheap, it's easy to concoct, and you probably have the ingredients already in your cupboard.

1 Tbsp. apple cider vinegar
1 Tbsp. honey (or more to taste)
1 cup hot water

Stir the apple cider vinegar and honey together in cup or mug. The vinegar will begin to break down the honey and make it dissolve more easily. Add hot water and stir well. Sip when cool enough to drink. Believe it or not, it's delicious. Repeat 3 times a day until symptoms improve.

Now, don't be silly and try this when you've got an active stomach virus, and don't take it instead of going to a doctor if your symptoms get worse. But for relief of short-term stomach pain and nausea, this remedy really works.

According to EarthClinic.com, 2 teaspoons of apple cider vinegar dissolved in 16 oz. of water and sipped throughout the day can help with allergies, arthritis, gout, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and more. Models drink this concoction to help with weight management. I tend to think models look better than I do because of superior genetics combined with consuming far less cheese and chocolate. But it's worth a try.

White vinegar is great for all kinds of things around the house. You probably already know it's great for cleaning windows. But it can do so much more.

I like to mix white vinegar with a little baking soda to make a paste (it will foam like crazy, so use bigger bowl than you think you need). This mixture is great for scrubbing the sink, removing stubborn stains from countertops (spread it over the stain and let it soak for a few minutes), and any time you want a little muscle but you don't want to use an abrasive cleanser. I've even used it to remove the stains left on a hardwood floor by magazines that got wet.

Vinegar. It's cheap, it's versatile, and it's probably already in your kitchen. Mary Agnes would approve.

Heartache Came to Visit Me, But I Knew It Wasn't Ever After

2011-07-25T13:25:00.007-04:00

On Friday, I read online about the bombings and shootings in Norway. At the time, my friend Monica said to me via instant message "Who would bomb Norway? Norwegians don't bother anyone. They are peaceable, fish eating, skiing, sauna takers." Later we learned who would bomb Norway: a pissed off right-wing Norwegian.

Yesterday I went to a gathering for the Friends of Anne Hutchinson which is held every year to celebrate Anne Hutchinson's life and legacy. She was the leader of a group of people who founded Portsmouth, Rhode Island, which was the first town in the New World to allow religious freedom and whose citizens were a "body politic." After being thrown out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony for minor divergences in religious belief, they wrote a compact guaranteeing the separation of church and state.

When I got home, I learned of the existence of a radical right-wing group here in the USA who is advertising -- in militant and quasi-military terms -- a plan to "lay seige" on Washington D.C. to change it from the "District of Columbia" to the "District of Christ." They also plan to hold demonstrations and prayer vigils in Washington D.C., Philadelphia, and in each state as they carry out plans for a "reformation intercession." The movement is growing, and according to what I've seen, it appears they are pushing for a theocratic form of government. Because, as we've seen throughout history and even into the present day, theocracies work out great for everybody.

I've met people like this, and while many of them are relatively harmless, they are also not very bright and easily led. As George Carlin famously said, never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Frankly, these people scare the bejeezus out of me.

And then last night while I was watching TV, I thought I heard gunshots. What I probably heard was a particularly loud type of leftover 4th of July fireworks, but for a moment, I seriously entertained the idea that guns were being fired. In Newport, Rhode Island. I feel like I'm living in a world gone mad.

I won't be made useless,

I won't be idle with despair

There isn't much one maiden aunt can do in times like these. But this afternoon, I can draw a cartoon for my food blog. That seems to make my readers smile. I can sketch out some ideas I have for a birthday gift for my great-niece. I can work on the invitations for my BFF's 90th birthday party in August. I can do whatever small things that are in my power to shine a light. And I will.

Discovery

2011-07-23T09:55:00.003-04:00

Nobody sees a flower, really, it is so small. We haven't time - and to see takes time like to have a friend takes time.
--Georgia O'Keeffe

Did you know clover flowers? I didn't. I guess I've always been too busy, headed here and there and walking right by. Some of the time I was headed someplace fun and happy; looking back, most of the time I wasn't. But wherever I was going seemed very important at the time.

This morning, nothing was more important than running indoors for my camera to take a picture of my discovery, and to tell you about it. Yes, there is laundry to fold and a rug that needs vacuuming, but this morning, I really saw a patch of clover.

It's a good day.

Summer of Awesomeness Guest Blog: ROAD TRIP!

2011-07-19T10:32:00.022-04:00

What could make your summer more awesome than hitting the open road? As part of Laura at Rhinestone Armadillo's Summer of Awesomeness series, please join me on a virtual roadtrip around the USA, where we will look for the kitschy, the tacky, the interesting, and the downright strange. Maybe one of the sites I've selected will be near you (and if you're a reader from outside the US, maybe some of the sites I've found will inspire you to visit)!

I must, of course, begin with Rhode Island's own Nibbles Woodaway, who stands guard over I-95 outside Providence. The 58-foot-long Big Blue Bug perches on top of the offices of New England Pest Control. He even gets dressed up for various holidays.

Heading southwest-ish, we arrive at the Haines Shoe House in Hellam, Pennsylvania. It was originally designed in 1949 as a gimmick to advertise Mr. Haines' many shoe stores in the area. For the first few years, the house was offered to elderly couples for a free weekend getaway. Nowadays you can take a tour for a nominal fee.

In Hardeeville, South Carolina, we find giant pink and gray elephants standing in front of Papa Joe's Fireworks. Why giant elephants? Why not?

Winging our way north to West Virginia (see what I did there?) we encounter a 12-foot-tall stainless steel sculpture depicting The Mothman. Legend has it that a mysterious creature, part man and part moth, terrorized the town of Point Pleasant back in the 1960s. I don't know if Batboy was involved in any of this, but it sure sounds like his kind of thing.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Gemini Giant, whose photo I took on my first Route 66 adventure with my sister Rachel back in 2008. We took a day trip from Chicago to Wilmington, Illinios, where this relic of America's fascination with the space program stands in front of the Launching Pad diner in all his 1960s kitschy glory. (For you youngsters out there, Project Gemini was the name of NASA's second human spaceflight program in 1965 and 1966.)

While we're on the subject of giants, let's visit The Jolly Green Giant in Blue Earth, Minnesota. This advertising icon stands 55 feet tall on the farmland where the Green Giant vegetable company got its start. Ho, ho, ho!

Next, we drive on over to Afton, Wyoming, where we find the Elkhorn Arch stretching 75 feet across Highway 89. The arch is, as the name indicates, entirely made up of elk antlers. There is a sign proclaiming it to be the World's Largest Elkhorn Arch. I'd be willing to bet that's an easy claim to make since it's probably the world's only elkhorn arch.

It's a good thing we are taking this trip in the summertime, because Cut Bank, Montana claims to be the coldest spot in the nation -- and I, for one, have no desire to go there in January to check. It's cold enough in Rhode Island in the winter, thank you very much. This 27-foot penguin, standing in front of the Glacier Gateway Inn, is awfully cute, though.

Tacoma, Washington, is home to Bob's Java Jive. The coffeepot-shaped restaurant was originally built in 1928 and has gone through many incarnations since then. In my opinion, this roadside icon gets extra points for being a kitschy shape and decorated with neon.

At the southern end of the Pacific coast we find Queen Califa's Magical Circle, a sculpture garden created by the French artist Niki De Saint Phalle, in Escondido, California. The garden includes a maze entryway, a snake wall, scultped garden benches, eight totemic sculptures, and a whole lot of awesome. The artwork is adorned with mosaics of paint, stone, glass, and more.

I was excited to cross Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo, Texas off my Bucket List this year. Originally created in 1974, this art project pays homage to the tail fin of the Cadillac, as it slowly disappeared from the new models between 1949 and 1963. The project continues to evolve as people spray paint the cars with graffiti. My friend Monica and I signed our names (and the names of her two cats) in Sharpie marker.

The last stop of our whirlwind tour around the USA is in Joseph City, Arizona, home to the Jackrabbit Trading Post. This spot is the perfect place to buy cheesy souvenirs and get your picture taken on the back of a giant jackrabbit wearing a saddle. You know you want to.

I hope you've enjoyed our quick tour of roadside oddities in the USA. There is SO much to see out there, my friends. I encourage you to check out websites such as Roadside America and find out what there is to see in your area. It will make your summer so much more awesome.

Cool Chicks

2011-07-17T10:42:00.010-04:00

One of the things I love about my mom is that when I instant message her on a random Tuesday afternoon asking if she feels like going on a mini road trip to look at gravestones, she replies "Sure. What time?"

We went to my mom's hometown of Little Compton, Rhode Island, and had a look around a couple of graveyards. In the picture above, my mom is standing next to the memorial for Elisabeth Alden Pabodie, daughter of John Alden and Priscilla Mullins of the Mayflower. John and Priscilla were later immortalized in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's poem The Courtship of Miles Standish, in which John Alden and Miles Standish vie for the hand of Priscilla Mullins. Nobody knows how much of the poem is fact or fiction; however, if she was deciding between the two, in my opinion Priscilla made a wise choice. According to what I've read, Miles Standish was a bellicose creep with a Napoleon complex.

I love the way the carver continued the letters above if he ran out of room -- note the word at the end of the first line. It's actually "Body," but the Y is very small and placed above the D.

The creative spelling is interesting, too (I looked at my mother and said "Dyed what? A shirt? A bolt of cloth?"). Coincidentally, I've become obsessed with a genealogical mystery from the year of Elisabeth's death, so I've spent a bit of time recently looking over documents from the 18th century. The spelling is enough to make me dizzy after a while.

This is my grandma's headstone. She was a hot ticket. When I was a kid, she drove a convertible and took us on foliage rides. Her favorite color was red and she wore it with abandon -- clothing, lipstick, accessories. In the summertime she favored large straw hats with flowers on them. (My mother claims that the flashy dressing gene skipped her generation, but I have seen my mother in a large straw hat with a flower on it. Just sayin'.)

Gram was the kind of person who shouldn't have been asked a question unless you wanted her unvarnished opinion. Actually, she'd often give her opinion even if you didn't ask. Looking back, I like that about her -- she always spoke her mind honestly and without apology.

Despite her shocking lack of cats, I have a particular fondness for Auntie Grace, my mother's maiden aunt. She was my grandfather's sister and a force to be reckoned with. Auntie Grace was a sharp businesswoman who worked for the Fall River Electric Light Company in the early part of the 20th century, and then ran the Simmons family grocery store after her brother's death. Auntie Grace's last words, uttered in the hospital emergency room in ringing tones, were "Young man, you're hurting me. If you can't do your goddamn job, go find someone who can." Now that, gentle readers, was an eighty-six-year-old with moxie.

Those are just some of the women in my family. Now you know a little bit about how I ended up to be so awesome.

Auntie Appreciates Art

2011-07-12T17:29:00.012-04:00

On Sunday, the Army Dude and I took a quick jaunt over a couple of bridges to the village of Wickford for their annual art festival. For those of you who ain't from around here, Wickford is not really on the map as it's a village within the town of North Kingstown and does not have its own zip code -- unlike the village of Greene, which is a village within the town of Coventry and does have its own zip code. It's this kind of dedication to inconsistency that has the tourists shrieking in despair by the time they get to Newport and are confronted with its maze of one-way streets without street signs.

The art festival is huge, with dozens of exhibitors from around the world. We walked down the pretty, tree-lined streets and looked at booth after booth containing art of all different kinds.

Image: peytonart.com

It's a tough call, but I think my favorite was the Wild Women and Dogs series by Peyton Higginson. I just love everything about the paintings: the colors, the details, the movement, the joy, the textures, the crazy hair.

The village itself is very interesting and pretty, with lots of historic homes and picturesque New England style churches. This steeple belongs to St. Paul's Episcopal Church on Main Street.

The big draw, however, was the Baptist church across the street. What they lacked in charming architecture they more than made up for in food. They had chowder, stuffies, hotdogs, hamburgers, and more. This strawberry shortcake was To. Die. For. The Army Dude took leave of his senses for a moment when we got to the food booth and suggested we share a strawberry shortcake. I didn't want to hurt him. But I would have.

Abundance

2011-07-10T08:29:00.001-04:00

Nature has it.

Dept. of Home Economics: Retro Beauty with Pond's

2011-07-08T17:23:00.009-04:00

Okay, so it's not on a par with worrying over global warming, but I've been having a tough time lately finding an eyemakeup remover. The problem is that I wear waterproof mascara every day. I live on the coast in Rhode Island where mist, fog, and rain happen -- sometimes all in one day -- so unless I wear waterproof mascara it gets all Rocky Horror Picture Show up in here. There is really only one liquid makeup remover in my price range (cheap) that works on waterproof mascara, and I've been having trouble finding it. What's a bargain shopper to do?

Well, the last time I was in the skin care section of Ye Olde Walmarte, I spotted a jar of Pond's Cold Cream. I thought if it worked for the pancake makeup classic Hollywood beauties wore in the movies, it will probably work on waterproof mascara. Sure enough, it says it does right on the label. And since a 6.5-ounce jar costs under $5, I what did I have to lose?

Pond's Cold Cream removed my eyemakeup (including waterproof mascara) like a charm. I wiped it off with a cotton square and then followed up with my usual skin cleanser. Using it as a makeup remover only, I've probably got a year's supply in the jar, so it's a cheaper than the $30 or so per year my previous product cost.

Cold Cream is a little too thick for me to use as a facial cleanser this time of year, but I'll definitely try it in place of my usual cleanser during the winter when my skin is dry. I might even be able to skip applying night cream (which I use in the winter) and that would be an even bigger savings.

Fun fact: Betty Grable used Pond's Cold Cream on her legs to get them photo-ready. Or at least she did in this vintage ad that probably made every man in America want to kill photographer Walter Sanders who is applying the cream to her legs. It's not for nothing that 20th Century Fox insured those legs for a million dollars.

Pond's Cold Cream: after 97 years, it's still a great product and it's still a bargain.

Auntie Has a Whale of a Time

2011-07-05T11:34:00.012-04:00

In honor of my turning 29 AGAIN last week, the Army Dude and I decided to go on a whale watch on Sunday. Here I am aboard the Whale Watcher, owned by Hyannis Whale Watcher Cruises in Barnstable. I'm wearing my uber-cool Friendship Trap sweatshirt and carrying the also-uber-cool tote bag a good friend brought me from Belgium. You can't see it, but the tote bag says "le joie de vivre avec stuff."

It was at about this point in Barnstable Harbor that I realized the downside of this adventure. To wit: my fellow man. I'm not a huge fan of humanity to begin with, and the boat was packed with a lot of particularly noisy specimens. Entire families, many with small children who were distressed by the wind, the motion, and the fact that they weren't allowed to get up and run around during the hour it took to get to Stellwagen Bank.

Incredibly, the Army Dude actually dozed off in the midst of all this. I couldn't believe it, but then it occurred to me that it was probably quieter than working with an airborne battalion in Iraq. I decided to quit being a delicate flower and enjoy myself.

As we approaced the feeding grounds of Stellwagen Bank, we started seeing whales. The naturalist on board warned us that there was no telling what or how much we'd see.

And then the next thing we knew, it was whalepalooza. There were whales everywhere! This group is bubble feeding, which is when a group of whales gets together and surrounds a school of fish. They release air from their blowholes which creates a net of bubbles that contains the fish. Then the whales swim right through and scoop them up.

This whale is kick feeding, which is when an individual churns up the water with his fins and tail. The bubbles confuse the fish and then he scoops them into his big, gaping mouth.

Note the baleen on the top jaw. That's for the purposes of straining out the water and leaving only the tasty, tasty fish behind. Not that I think whales spend much time savoring their meals. This feeding thing looks like a tremendous amount of work, and it takes an awful lot of fish to keep that blubber layer pleasingly plump.

This is another example of bubble feeding. If you look closely, you can see another whale in the background near the boat. Even as we watched whales feeding right up near the side of our boat, we also saw others feeding and spouting in the distance. By the end of an hour we'd seen over 30 whales in the area, with sightings close enough to identify 19 individuals including two mama whales with their calves. It was amazing.

We learned that the technical term for that water vapor in the air is "whale snot." This was the third or fourth exhale that came right at us, before the naturalist helpfully suggested that we should keep our mouths closed and turn away because we didn't want to be breathing it in. Well, that ship had already sailed.

The Army Dude is convinced that we are going to come down with some kind of exotic whale disease. "Like whooping cough or swine flu," he said, "except a whale thing." So far, I feel fine. I am craving sushi, though.

R.I.P. Seamus Patrick O'Kitty

2011-06-29T08:26:00.008-04:00

It's a sad day here at Old Maid HQ. Seamus Patrick O'Kitty, beloved cat of Monica of 5 Cats Shy and friend to spinsters coast to coast crossed the rainbow bridge last night.

Seamus was the strong, silent type. He didn't say much, so when he did talk, you knew he had something important to communicate. Things like "My brother just pooped in the cat carrier," for example -- vital information on a cross-country roadtrip.

Seamus and I really had a chance to get to know each other on the road trip we took together in January. Before that, he'd always viewed me as a stranger and best avoided. But he warmed up to me on that trip. I would wake up in the middle of the night, sick with the flu and worrying about my own kitty boarded at the vet for the first time ever, and he'd be on the bed with me -- still silent, not asking to be petted, just there. It was very comforting.

I also like to remember the Wigwam Motel in Holbrook, Arizona, where Seamus and I snuggled on my bed in the evening while I read. I petted him while he purred and purred. It was a happy time.

Seamus is survived by his mother Monica, his brother Ringo Stu Kitty, his grandma Kathleen, his aunt Michelle, his aunt Maria, and his cousins Huckleberry and Daphne Clementine Katz. Godspeed, Little Boy.

Sunday at the Park and Beach with Auntie

2011-06-26T13:38:00.015-04:00

I was inspired today by Laura over at Rhinestone Armadillo, who posted about playing in the water. It's part of her "Summer of Awesomeness" series, for which I will be guest blogging during the week of July 17.

It occurred to me, when I was reading Laura's suggestions about going to the city pool or driving to the beach, how lucky I am to be able to walk to the beach.

I didn't actually go play in the water. You'll notice nobody was playing in the water and it was noon on a Sunday. That's because this is Rhode Island, where the water temperature is 68 degrees. (Really. I looked it up on NOAA.gov.)

The part of the beach I stood on to take the picture is known as Reject Beach -- it's the public-access part of the fancy-schmancy Bailey's Beach Club. You can't see it in the photo, but there is a rope just past where the guy is sitting all by himself that goes right down into the water and separates the fancy section (with the buildings) from the section used by lesser mortals.

The rich folks can't block public access, but they can put up up a sign limiting our activities. I guess it's okay to sunbathe topless, though. Good to know.

Reject Beach is at the very end of Newport's Cliff Walk. As you can see, there was some fog along the shore today -- just a normal day in coastal RI. Actually, I enjoy watching the fog roll in off the ocean.

Cliff Walk takes you past some pretty fancy real estate. This is just somebody's house; the path also meanders past The Breakers, Rough Point, and other celebrated Newport mansions.

Look! It's the SS Minnow! Wow, they really got lost in the fog. The good news, though, is that there aren't any headhunters on this island. Nor, as far as I know, are there any bats who will bite you and turn you into Dracula.

On my way home, I decided to show you my favorite park: Rovensky Park on the corner of Bellevue and Rovensky Avenues.

The park is very well kept and has the prettiest trees -- many of which are marked with informative plaques about the trees' species and origins.

For example, these Japanese Cedars are natives of Asia. From a distance they appear to be one tree, but when you get closer you can see that they are four trees planted very close together. I'm sure the planting was done for solid horticultural reasons.

But standing within the trees is like being in the middle of a group of sisters dancing with their arms entwined. I've always sought out spots like this to think about things or to read a book. I was a dreamy child, full of fanciful notions like trees being able to dance. Everyone thought I'd outgrow it. Thankfully, I never did.

Breaking BVM News

2011-06-22T08:42:00.003-04:00

Okay, it's not really breaking news because I bought this icon a couple of months ago. But it's news to you, since I totally forgot to tell you about it.

This is Our Lady of Vladimir, which was painted in Constantinople in the 11th or 12th century -- long before Constantinople became Istanbul. (Why'd they change it? I can't say. People just liked it better that way.) The icon was moved to the city of Vladimir, where folks built a cathedral to house it. It was later moved to Moscow, where a monastery was built to commemorate its arrival. It's an important icon in the Russian Orthodox church, is what I'm saying.

My particular icon was decoupaged onto a piece of wood by an unknown person and then given to a convent in the south of Rhode Island. I guess the nuns were doing some heavy spring cleaning this year because I bought it for six bucks at a consignment shop in Wakefield.

The original is credited with saving the Russian people time and time again. My copy probably isn't that powerful, but I still feel pretty confident that if any rude Tatar invaders show up, I'm good.

Are You Positive About That?

2011-06-14T18:00:00.007-04:00

image: http://www.bn.com/

I have a confession to make: I've read a lot of self-help books over the years. I like to read and I learn easily through reading, so if I have an issue, I'm likely to read a book about it. Also, although I am obviously fabulous, I always feel like there is room for improvement. But in the past few years, I've found that I keep coming across the same "you create your own reality" teachings over and over again.

The concept, in case you're not familiar, is the idea that everything is made up of energy and that you can actually picture an outcome and make it happen by "raising your vibration" to match it. It doesn't matter if that outcome is healing from a disease, a new car, or untold weath. You can have whatever you want, according to numerous self-help gurus, as long as you picture a positive outcome and hold it firmly in your mind. Anyone whose outcomes are less than satisfactory, of course, simply "allowed negativity" into their minds.

I began to wonder: am I the only one who thinks this sounds an awful lot like faith-healing for secular folks? I also began to wonder if I was the only one who had noticed that this prevailing attitude inspires an appalling lack of compassion -- after all, if "you create your own reality," then any illness or misfortune you may have is your own fault. If someone is unkind to you and you don't like it, it's your own fault for "focusing on negativity."

I am partucularly horrified by a popular corallary: the idea that we each make a "contract" before we are born, and "agree" to all the events and people we will encounter in our lives. Now, my life is pretty good. I have terrific friends and family, and I'm healthy as a horse. I live in a great place, and I have plenty of food to eat and clean clothes to wear. But I refuse to believe in a pre-birth contract, and here's why: Jessica Lunsford. I was, coincidentally, in Florida in 2005 when 9-year-old Jessica was abducted and authorities were hunting for her, so I followed her story. (Spoiler: it ended very, very badly. You can read her story here, but be warned -- it's not for the faint of heart.) If Jessica was the only person that ever happened to, in her honor I would refuse to believe that she either "contracted" before she was born for what happened to her or made it happen by "attracting it." And Jessica is not the only one.

Where did these ideas come from? It didn't take a lot of research to find out that the same "New Thought" that brought us Christian Science brought us "positive thinking" and "the law of attraction." It's simply been repackaged many times in the 150 years or so since Phineas Quimby first began teaching it.

It turns out, I'm not the only one thinking about this. Barbara Ehrenreich wrote an entire book about it called Bright Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America. In it, she discusses the roots of the positive thinking movement, and how it has seeped into churches (where the concepts of faith and positive thinking are used pretty much interchangeably), into business (where people facing layoffs and the survivors of a series of layoffs who are facing a burdensome workload are sent to motivational seminars to keep them loyal to a company who has no loyalty toward them), and even into our culture's attitudes about debilitating illnesses such as cancer. It's a really interesting, and often very funny read.

Do I think it's a good idea to face life with the attitude that good things can happen, and that the world is, in general, a pretty nice place to be? Sure I do. Do I think it's healthy to expect an axe murderer to jump out from behind every bush? Of course not. But equally, I think it's unhealthy to believe that we are each individuals creating our own realities independently, so things like kindness, compassion, and cooperation don't matter. They do matter. They matter a lot.

Early Summer Musings

2011-06-08T15:20:00.005-04:00

The irises outside my back door are in bloom. Their shades of purple and graceful shapes are so pretty. I know they are old-fashioned and out of style, but I just love how they don't know that and keep coming back year after year anyway. I would no more uproot a bed of irises to be "fashionable" than I would throw away my great-grandmother's teapot.

And I'm pretty sure this little gem was never in style.

Words of Wisdom: The Army Dude (aka The Science Guy)

2011-05-21T10:59:00.003-04:00

It's the infinite wonder of this existence: anything is possible.

Image: Alaska-In-Pictures.com

Auntie Maria: International Woman of Mystery

2011-05-17T17:00:00.005-04:00

Image: funnyordie.com

I have always thought of, and described, myself as an ordinary Portuguese girl from Portsmouth, Rhode Island. This is unfair to my mother, who brings English, French, and Belgian genes to the family stew. It might also be unfair to a possible German grandmother back in the swirling mists of time in Portugal, who bequeathed red hair to the family (even I have some of it). We’re not sure about her; she may be apocryphal.

In the past, I’ve had people guess that I’m Italian, Greek, Armenian, Black Irish, biracial, Spanish, Mexican, and I don’t know what all else. I’ve been asked about my background a lot over the years. People can’t seem to figure out what I am.

In general, I think this is pretty cool. I’m a citizen of the world! I’m a harbinger of a new millennium where we all live in a global village! I’m an auntie without borders! I’m every woman (it’s all in meeeee)!

I recently learned, however, that the TSA can’t figure out what I am, either. So they jump to the logical conclusion: that I am a terrorist. When I flew to Paris in March, the TSA not only got a good look at everything my mama gave me via their backscatter technology, they followed it up by detaining me for a couple of minutes, scaring the crap out of me, not allowing me to speak to the Foodie to let him know I’d be along shortly (apparently they assumed we belonged to the same terrorist cell; however, he got through the checkpoint with no problems), and then coming up behind me and groping my hair.

I had thought that when flying out of Boston, you had two choices: backscatter or groping. I stand corrected. People of indeterminate nationality apparently get the pleasure of both.

Why my hair? The Cop told me that Rastas sometimes hide drugs in their hair, but I wasn’t wearing dreads, my hair was in a braid.

In Paris, I got the full treatment – again, I was the only one of my group of four who did. I went through a regular metal detector, and then a very polite French lady felt me up. You’ll be glad to know that I not only was my hair drug-free, I wasn’t carrying any contraband between my boobs, in the waistband of my jeans, in my armpits or my socks. At least she was nice about it; in Boston they were as rude as the airport personnel in Boston always are – which is to say, very.

What I find really funny about the whole thing is that I as agents were feeling me up, they were also X-raying my bottle of medication, which is for depression and anxiety. I could be wrong, but I imagine that being a drug mule or a terrorist requires a bit more courage and steadiness in the nerve department than one might expect from an old maid with a cat and a bottle of Celexa.

A few people I’ve told about this have said “But that’s the whole point! You are the last person anyone would suspect, so you’d make the perfect criminal.” Sorry, but by that logic, Mrs. Gottbux in the next line over, with her bobbed blonde hair, Tod’s driving mocs, and Caribbean tan is an even less likely suspect than I am. Why isn’t anyone feeling her up?

Katie Goes To Paris (On A Steeek)

2011-05-15T16:11:00.011-04:00

Katie At The Eiffel Tower

As I mentioned in a previous post, my niece Katie wanted me to bring something of hers with me to Paris -- specifically, a stuffed animal she's had since she was a baby. I didn't like that idea (suitcase space being at a premium) so I came up with Katie on a Steeek. I thought my gentle readers might enjoy a peek at a few of the pictures.

I spent quite a bit of time in the past couple of weeks putting together a scrapbook of all the pictures I took of Katie in Paris. I wrote a little story and drew cartoons and things to go along with the pictures. It took A LOT longer than I had anticipated, but it was fun and she loved it.

Katie Inspecting A Statue On The Pont des Invalides

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure and giving credit where it's due, I totally stole the idea from Monica of 5 Cats Shy, who takes pictures of Catwoman at different locations and posts them on Catwoman's facebook page.

Katie In The Garden At Chateau Versailles

This Katie On A Steeek is a picture of her in Halloween makeup. I thought it went really nicely with the flowers. She looks like she belongs there, doesn't she?

Katie Shoots A Cannon At the Musee de l'Armee

I even got The Foodie involved in taking some shots. He was a really good sport about it -- we got more than a few funny looks taking pictures like this all around Paris.

Katie And Auntie Figure Out The Metro Map

The Foodie took this one as well. It gives you a good look at how complicated the Paris Metro system is, how freakishly long my fingers are, and the feature that makes the TSA suspect me of terrorism (hint: it grows out of my head in curly abundance and draws latex-gloved hands like a magnet).

Katie With Mysterious Costume and Instrument

This one is my favorite. The Foodie and I came across this pile of pink satin and gold lame one afternoon in the Marais. There seemed to be no explanation for it. It was like a drag queen had suddenly disappeared in a puff of fabulousness, leaving behind only a costume and a ukelele.

The Vapours

2011-05-07T09:17:00.004-04:00

Gentle readers, I know I haven't been blogging much in the last week or so. You see, I recently learned that my beloved and otherwise-very-awesome sister has begun to wear legwarmers. On purpose. As I'm sure you can understand, this is a shock to my system. It's been all human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria up in here.

But fear not, my friends. Maiden sisters are made of strong stuff. After a few days on my fainting couch with cold compresses, hot tea, and the early novels of P.G. Wodehouse, I feel ready to face the modern world anew. Even a world in which legwarmers might be sprung upon me at any moment.

New Feature: Department of Home Economics

2011-05-05T09:50:00.004-04:00

Meet my grandmother, Mary Agnes, circa 1950.

My grandmother was Mary Agnes -- or, more properly, Maria Inez in Portuguese. She usually went by Agnes, as the family already had a Mary in the brood by the time my grandmother came along (they were very Catholic). Doctors, clergy, and the like tended to call her Mary. I honestly don't know if she preferred it or it was due to a level of formality. In any case, I am calling her by both names here because I like double names, and also, because I am the last of a long line of women named Maria, Mary, and Marie.

It is from Mary Agnes -- and my mother, Marie -- that I learned most of what I know about home economics. And since times are tough and we are all looking for ways to live better with less, I've decided to share what I know. I'm hoping that my mom will chime in with a guest blog or two, as well as a certain friend of mine who shall remain nameless at this point, but who can make furniture she picks up in the street on trash day look like a million bucks. I plan to pass along tips, recipes, ideas, book recommendations, and that kind of thing.

I'm using the picture of Mary Agnes as my icon, because what I am thinking of is, for the most part, old-fashioned common sense and know-how. Also, I love a pretty apron. For those of you who are not interested in this feature, when you see my grandmother on your blogroll, you know to move on to something you find more interesting.

For those of you who are still with me, let's begin.

Herbal Olive Oil

I know I can't be the only one this happens to: you buy a certain herb for a certain dish and you use about a tenth of it and then spend the next week looking for ways to use it up until it sadly wilts and dies in your refrigerator. Here's an easy-peasy option to use up what's left. The amounts are purposely vague because it's a "use it up" recipe.

Ingredients

Olive oil: this is where you bring out the good-but-not-great stuff. I like extra virgin oil, but the expensive stuff is meant to be enjoyed as is. By all means, use what you have. This is not about using up, not buying new. And if you prefer the taste of some of the lighter olive oils, go with that.

Leftover herbs: either a single type, or a blend that you enjoy together, such as basil and thyme. Experiment and see what you like best. About a half cup of stems and leaves per two cups of oil works well. Eyeball it. No need to chop, just check them over and remove anything wilted, and then throw the herbs in, stems and all. You can even use just stems if that's all you've got left.

Clean jars or decanters with tops: Bonus points if you're reusing something that would normally go in your recycle bin.

Method

1. Place the oil and herbs in a saucepan, and bring just to a simmer over medium heat. Watch it like a hawk, because it can suddenly go from barely simmering to a full-on boil, and, well, unless you plan to throw the oil over a wall at some attacking Huns, you don't need that. Also, the oil tends to get cloudy if you let it boil. (Cloudiness will not affect taste, but it won't look as pretty or last as well. )

2. Once you see some slight bubbling (usually around the herbs), take the pan off the heat. Slap a lid on it and let it steep for one hour. This is an excellent time to catch up on your blog reading.

3. Strain the oil into jars and cap. I usually strain it into a large pyrex measuring cup first, then pour it into the jars.

Storage

You want to use the herbal oil up within about two weeks. Refrigerating it stretches that a little, but has the disadvantage of solidifying the oil, so it needs to warm a bit before you use it. I've discovered that it freezes well, with no loss of flavor.

Uses

Use this oil as you would any olive oil in cooking, salad dressings, etc. It's great for dipping bread into (I like to pour a little into a dish, then add some salt and pepper, but that's up to you). I always make more than I can use because I have yet to meet anyone who didn't appreciate getting some as a gift.

*** I had an added recipe for garlic-infused oil here, but my mom brought it to my attention that there is a botulism risk associated with it. I've made it several times before and I'm still here and healthy as a horse, but I don't want to take a chance that anyone might get sick because of botulism in the garlic you use.

An Open Letter To Prince Andrew

2011-04-29T14:04:00.008-04:00

Image: Dailymail.co.uk

This. This is what is making me take a break from all Paris, all the time.

Dear Prince Andrew,

It was a lovely wedding earlier today, wasn't it? The stuff of fairytales and dreams: a lovely commoner marries her handsome prince. I had those kinds of dreams a long time ago, Andrew, back when your forehead and my waist were both significantly smaller. In my fantasies, it was you, not your nephew, who broke with royal tradition and married outside the aristocracy.

And so you should have, because I would have put a stop to those hideous outfits your daughters wore to the wedding. I would have looked into it weeks ago and shrieked in horror when I was shown those getups.

I'd have put my maribou-slipper-shod commoner foot down and said to the girls that under no circumstances were they going to their cousin's wedding looking like a can-can girl from a cheap belle epoque musical revue and a consumptive Dress Barn manager circa 1993. They would have wailed "MOM!" and I would have followed up with "And furthermore, I don't care if those forehead protruberances are by Philip Treacy, they make you look like you're being attacked by monsters."

At which point, they would have flounced off in a huff and I would have said "That's right. You go back to your apartments and think about it. Call me when you get to the east wing of the castle so I know you made it all right." Then, you and I would have gone back to our morning tea and toast.

Later that day, I would have taken the girls shopping and explained the difference between "dated" and "vintage," and between "costume" and "edgy." This morning, I would have checked to make sure that Beatrice was not applying her makeup with a palette knife again.

Don't think I couldn't have made all that happen, Andrew. I come from stern stuff. My mother can still shut me up with one glance of the hairy eyeball, and not only am I forty-seven years old, I'm also a lot bigger than she is.

Clearly, the Duchess of York did not do any of this. She is probably, as I type, sitting on a beach topless somewhere while holding a drink with an umbrella in it. I, on the other hand, would have been by your side throughout the festivities, wearing something subtly fabulous by Chanel. Because Chanel is my everything, Andrew. It could have been you and Chanel, but alas, we all make mistakes when we're young and foolish.

xoxo,

Maria

Chateau de Versailles

2011-04-27T12:20:00.022-04:00

We were lucky to have a gorgeous day to explore Chateau de Versailles, GHQ of the French court and government from 1682 until the French Revolution in 1789.

I know I've been saying this a lot, but Versailles is big. Seven hundred rooms big. To put it another way, the design of Newport's Marble House was inspired by the Petit Trianon, a small chateau on the grounds of Versailles that Marie Antionette used as her country getaway. (That is, her getaway from the palace located on the same enormous grounds. Think on that for a moment before you scroll down.)

This is the view from the back door of the palace. The Grand and Petit Trianons are back there somewhere, along with a hameau (literally, "hamlet") -- a little farm where Marie Antionette liked to play farmgirl. As I mentioned in my post on the Louvre, Louis XIV through Louis XVI are known for their "more is more" philosophy -- and nowhere is that more apparent than at Versailles.

What you can't really see in the photo is that the grounds are not allowed to be natural at all. Every area is manicured, neat, and kept within a border. All 19,800 acres of it. Back before the invention of the combustion engine, that represented the work of a lot of serfs.

I didn't take any pictures indoors because flash photography was discouraged. People were taking flash photos left and right, but I figure it'd be my luck to start an international incident.

The gardens were in springtime glory. This is just one of them -- the gardens alone cover 977 acres.

Here is another, at the Petit Trianon, in the same formal style -- although the plants themselves are a little different. Notice the gaggle of nuns having a great time.

In the Petit Trianon estate-within-an-estate are the Temple of Love and the more naturalistic English-style gardens that were popular in Marie Antionette's time. By the time you walk this far into the grounds, you can't see the palace at all.

The statue in the temple is of Cupid cutting his bow from the club of Hercules. It's a replica of the original statue by Bouchardon, which was moved to the Louvre.

The temple was designed to be beautiful in every detail so as to be a fitting home for the priceless work of sculpture it housed. This is the inside of the dome.

Not far away is the hameau. According to my research, having these rustic garden constructions was fashionable among the French nobility. Which kind of goes to show you that living in those giant palaces was probably not all it was cracked up to be.

The buildings are like something out of a fairytale, aren't they? It's what they're meant to be -- an idealized image of rural life.

The goats, rabbits, chickens, and ducks have a pretty nice life on the estate, considering that nowadays there is no danger of them ending up in a cooking pot.

I saw this girl as we were walking to find the train that would take us back to the main palace (it was a ten-minute ride that cost us $5 each, and was worth every penny). I admired her moxie. Why not wear an over-the-top outfit to Chateau de Versailles?

Pere Lachaise Cemetery

2011-04-25T14:48:00.020-04:00

The Pere Lachaise Cemetery is famous for having a lot of famous people buried in it. For most Americans of my age group, however, its famous for being the final resting place of Jim Morrison. It is also the final destination of Edith Piaf, Colette (she wrote Gigi, which became the movie musical with the most disturbing opening song ever), Sarah Bernhardt, Stephane Grappelli, Isadora Duncan, Getrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas, Marcel Proust, and many others.

Marcel Marceau is buried here. Whether or not he is doing "I'm stuck in a box" for all eternity is unknown.

This is the final resting place of Oscar Wilde, covered in graffiti and lipstick kisses. I hate that he died at the age of 46 due to ill health and alcoholism caused, at least in part, by having been imprisoned from 1895-1897 for homosexual behavior. I love that among his last recorded words is the statement "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has got to go."

Victor Noir is another famous person, but he is famous more for the manner of his death (he was shot by the great-nephew of the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte) and the fact that after his death, his tomb became a fertility symbol because of the way the sculptor of his statue depicted his genital area. Apparently, women believe that by leaving flowers in his hat, kissing him on the lips, and rubbing his "business," they will be ensured fertility. That's why part of the statue is shiny and the rest has a patina.

I took a picture of this guy because he looked like he would have been a fun person to know. As it turns out, after a little research (I love Wikipedia) I discovered I was right. This is Leon Thery, who was a famous French race car driver at the turn of the 20th century. He drove his first race from Paris to Bordeaux in 1899 at the breakneck speed of 19 miles per hour.

The cemetery is huge, with boulevards and lanes cutting through its 118 acres. Even so, you are pretty much guaranteed to get lost.

It's also easy to wander off the designated paths. At least, that's the excuse I gave when my map-reading skills caused us to walk all over the place.

I was glad to see that Portuguese people were well represented, displaying the quiet good taste for which Portugal is renowned.

I did not break into this little prayer chapel, I just took a picture of what was inside: a picture of someone's grandma and a little plaque with a remembrance poem on it.

The Foodie found my interest in the insides of the chapels creepy, but I thought this one was lovely.

Speaking of creepy, The Cop drew my attention to this grave. I get that the couple is supposed to be together forever, but hands popping out of the top of a coffin are a bit much. Also, she's wearing a watch. Why? Does she have an appointment?

I thought this particular spot looked like a little patch of heaven. Not a bad place to spend eternity.

Jardins Tuileries and the Louvre

2011-04-21T16:36:00.011-04:00

Gentle readers, are you bored with Paris yet?

When I left new England, rain and snow were pelting down at me out of a gray sky. I woke up on my first day in Paris to sunshine, warm weather, and flowers in bloom all over the place. It was lovely. We took a walk to Les Invalides, across the Pont des Invalides, and then over to the Jardins Tuileries.

Nobody has been able to explain to me why the weather is milder in Paris than it is in Rhode Island even though Paris is approximately seven degrees north of us. Someone said something about the Gulf Stream warming things up over there, but the Gulf Stream flows right past us too so I'm thinking that can't be it. Must remember to ask The Fisherman.

Whatever the reason, we thoroughly enjoyed walking in the sunshine. We stopped for lunch at an outdoor cafe right in the gardens.

Seeing kids sail boats on this little pond made me want to be a kid again -- or at least borrow one so I could sail a boat and pretend it was all for the kid's benefit.

At the end of the gardens is I.M. Pei's Pyramide du Louvre, and the Louvre itself. You already know about the Louvre, don't you? Of course you do. You read about it in The Da Vinci Code.

Okay, fine. The Louvre massive, and it's gorgeous. The building we see today was completed during the reigns of Louis XIV and Louis XV, two guys who were not known for restraint in design. There are what I came to call "Harry Potter stairs" all over the place -- meaning that when you go up or down a flight, you don't always end up where you expect.

I didn't take any pictures of paintings for one simple reason: I saw the Mona Lisa. I've probably seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of images of that painting in my lifetime and not one of them ever did it justice. I figured, if professionals with fancy equipment can't really capture paintings, how can I do it with my cute little point-and-shoot camera? So I didn't even try.

I got a couple of nice shots in the sculpture gallery, however, and I am happy with that.

The Foodie and I ended our tour with a look at Napoleon's apartments. Napoleon was another guy whose tastes ran to the opulent. I also got a good look at the crown jewels of France, which were awfully pretty. One crown that I really loved was surprisingly simple and elegant, decorated with pearls and diamonds.

I had to push my way through a big crowd to get to see the bijoux, but get through it I did. It's not for nothing that The Foodie refers to me as The Magpie.

The Seine

2011-04-18T17:54:00.018-04:00

These are for you, Mom.

On my first full day in Paris, our group (consisting of The Foodie, The Cop, The Former Farmer, and me) took a walk along the Seine. I kept looking around in a daze and saying "This is so awesome. I can't believe I'm here."

The Seine is truly the heart of Paris. Fun fact: the distances shown to various major European cities on all the signs in Paris are measured from a certain spot at Notre Dame cathedral, which is on Ile de la Cite in the middle of the Seine. (Thanks to Emily of Tomato Kumato for that fun fact.)

My mom wanted to see pictures of the Seine and advised me to pick out my favorite bridge. Here it is: Pont Des Invalides. I like it because it's fancy, obviously.

I mean, it's really fancy. I has gilded sculptures in the middle and gilded monuments at each end.

There were pretty vistas everywhere I looked.

Not to mention interesting people-watching opportunities.

The Pont des Arts is the place to go in Paris if you're in love. Couples attach locks with their names on them to the ironwork on the bridge. These locks are conveniently sold in the little kiosk shops along the Seine.

It makes me wonder if Parisians threaten each other with bolt cutters instead of divorce. (Hopeless romantic, that's me.)

On our last night in Paris, we rode up and down the Seine on one of the Bateaux Mouches. Paris is lovely during the day; at night, it sparkles.

It's Hard To Keep Them Down On The Farm

2011-04-17T10:29:00.006-04:00

Just outside the front door where I was staying in Paris

I know that my gentle readers have been patiently waiting for details on my recent trip to Paris, but this week, I have found myself in kind of a funk.

The view from the end of the street

I had a wonderful time in Paris. How could I not? We had perfect, sunny, warm weather almost every day. The one day that it did rain was perfect in its own way because the umbrellas and the puddles provided atmosphere.

The park at the Place des Vosges

While I was in Paris, it was easy (well, relatively easy) not to think about life back home -- about dealing with Unemployment Insurance and finding a job. Now that I'm home, I'm a like a little kid who came home from a party hopped up on sugar and wanting to sleep in her party dress and patent-leather shoes.

The dining room at the apartment in the 7th arrondissement

It probably doesn't help that I went to Walmart two days after I returned. It was, in retrospect, a stupendously bad idea, but I needed cat food and paper towels. So I went. And if that didn't convince me I was home, dealing with the Rhode Island Department of Labor and realizing I'd found it easier to communicate with people in Paris using my limited French certainly did. So where does this leave me?

Paris was awesome, and I realize that a steady diet of awesome -- like a steady diet of birthday cake -- is probably not healthy for me. And my life here is good, it really is. But "good" has come with a price, and I guess my point is, if I'm going to pay a price anyway I'd like a little more awesome, s'il vous plait.

I Heart Paris

2011-04-12T11:37:00.004-04:00

I got back on Sunday from a 10-day trip to Paris (yes, the one in France). It was a wonderful trip and I had an awesome time.

Part of what made the trip so wonderful is that the people of Paris are so nice. Really, they are. Forget everything you've heard about them hating Americans; it's just not true. Or at least, that was not my experience.

If you walk into a shop that sells clothing or fine linens while you are carrying a cup of coffee from Starbucks (yes, it's available), you don't say "Bonjour" to anyone, and you begin to demand immediate attention, you will get the stink eye. And you should. In America, where the customer is always right and the shops are staffed by people who are often trained only to use the register, that behavior is tolerated. (It's still horribly impolite, however, and please note that if I am in the shop at that time, I am judging you.) In France, where shopkeeping and waiting tables are professions, and people are proud to do an excellent job, it is not.

I found that making an effort to speak French (and my French is very, very limited) was appreciated. Most people switched to English immediately and seemed happy to do so. Maybe they wanted to practice their English, maybe they wanted to make things easier -- or maybe they just couldn't stand to hear me butcher their beautiful language. But they were polite and friendly about it, and I appreciated it.

Bottom line: in this, as in so many other things, your mother was right. Manners count.

There Are No Victims, Just Volunteers

2011-03-29T09:09:00.007-04:00

My friends, it has been a trying few days. The Army Dude had to write an argumentative essay for the Army Dude School he is attending. I don't know why it was so difficult for him, since he was argumentative with me the whole time.

In his defense, it's been about twenty years since he wrote anything other than Army memos and reports. I volunteered to be the editor and proofreader, which is a fancy title for "bad news delivery girl." It was, as you can imagine, a perfect storm.

Just when I was wondering where I might be able to hide his body if I did him in, The Army Dude showed up with a really nice "Congratulations on Your Bar Mitzvah" card for my upcoming trip. By the time I finished laughing, he was forgiven.

The essay has been submitted, thank goodness. I've already told the Army Dude that if he calls me in July -- when the next essay is due -- I will answer the phone "G'day" because I will be in Australia for the duration.

Can you see those suitcases peeking up behind the chair on the left? STILL NOT PACKED.

Things That Make You Go Awwwwwww

2011-03-24T07:00:00.000-04:00

Pack In The Presence Of The Passenjaire

2011-03-23T10:20:00.006-04:00

I don't even OWN any of these garments.

A lot of people have been asking me what I'm packing to wear in France, and it's really beginning to stress me out. You would think that after years of knowing me, my friends would understand the care and feeding of a neurotic person. Which, in case you were wondering, precludes things like repeatedly asking them what they are packing to go to Paris because said neurotic person starts thinking what you're really saying is that they look like dog vomit most of the time and will embarass the entire country with their hillbilly ways.

So now I'm dealing with a case of Packing Paralysis. I think about packing. But then I get nervous and jittery and find something else to do. Which brings me around to these:

My niece Katie wanted me to bring something representing her to Paris. I thought what could be better than Katie on a Steek? So I made a couple of them.

This one was a Halloweeen costume, but I thought it would give that haute couture look, especially since she looks exactly like a runway model: giant head and stick body. I think Katie on a Steek will enjoy having adventures, just like Catwoman does. I even have experience in this area as I have helped with a few Catwoman photo shoots.

Incidentally, I am bringing pajama pants but they are cute and have Hello Kitty on them and I plan to wear them to sleep in, not to wear out and about. I don't think they even have Walmart in France.

Auntie Finds Baffling Message at ATM

2011-03-17T17:08:00.001-04:00

What can it mean???

Words of Wisdom: Margot Potter

2011-03-14T15:54:00.003-04:00

Whatever you are doing that you think is so new and cool, I can guarantee you some seemingly innocent little old lady already did it first.

Mary In The Kitchen

2011-03-12T11:39:00.005-05:00

This is my kitchen window, which holds two more Blessed Mother images. It's also home to a soap dispenser, the delft blue girl I brought from Holland for my grandmother (which I got back after she died) and a little blue and white bowl that holds my rings while I do dishes.

The candle is a Sacred Heart of Mary votive that I got at the grocery store. It says "Sagrado Corazon De Maria," and it's made in Mexico. It has the Mary's Magical Open Heart Surgery (With Flames) motif that totally freaked me out when I was a kid. But you know, you grow.

The other image to the right of the candle is more visible in the photo below:

It's a bread press. You press it down onto a slice of bread, and then once the bread is toasted or grilled, the image appears. Voila! Holy Toast.

Words of Wisdom: Jonathan Cainer

2011-03-10T12:47:00.002-05:00

You and I are made of carbon. And that's stardust!

Image: nasa.gov

Quote: cainer.com

This Just In

2011-03-09T16:42:00.004-05:00

Good news! I thought you, my gentle readers, would want to be the first to know that there is a robin in my yard. A sign of spring! Never mind that there is a possiblity of snow in the forecast for tomorrow. Robin is sending the message that warmer days are just around the corner.

Wait. Not that kind of robin.

This kind of robin. I said it was good news, not awesome news.